


Broken Bonds

by Rizandace



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Background jalec, F/M, M/M, Malec, Multi, and the story is still mostly about Jace and Alec and how much they care for each other, brief Jace/alec, clace, they are platonic but non-platonic feelings are discussed briefly
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-17
Updated: 2018-03-24
Packaged: 2019-04-03 16:51:56
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 9
Words: 22,246
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14000454
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Rizandace/pseuds/Rizandace
Summary: When Jace feels his Parabatai rune disappear, he thinks Alec is dead. The truth is a lot more complex, and in some ways, no less painful.





	1. Chapter One

**Author's Note:**

> A couple of disclaimers:
> 
> 1\. I have not read the books, I haven't even seen the whole show. I am making up the stuff about the Parabatai Bond wholecloth, and I am perfectly aware that it's not compliant with canon. I'm just playing around with the general concept!
> 
> 2\. We can imagine that this takes place post S.2, and that everything up to that point happened as in canon. Let's just hand-wave away the trouble with Jace's resurrection for now, and say that they solved that problem, defeated the Season Three big bad, and are, as the story begins, going about routine Shadowhunter business. Jace and Clary are together, Alec and Magnus are together.
> 
> 3\. This is my very first time playing in this particular fandom sandbox. This story is mostly going to be about Jace and Alec, but it won't necessarily end up with them in a romantic pairing. I've tagged it the way I have because their bond is the focus of the story, and it definitely crosses the lines of ordinary friendship in a few spots.
> 
> 4\. Despite the beginning of this story, it DOES NOT contain major character death.
> 
> I hope you enjoy... I'm a little nervous about posting this and I want feedback!

Jace was having lunch at the institute with Clary when he felt it, a sharp tug, a sudden, dizzying pain on his torso, a streak of accompanying pain lancing through his heart, as his body instinctively prepared itself for the worst. He was unaware that he had lurched to his feet until he felt Clary’s hand on his arm.

“Jace?” she said, her eyes wide with alarm. He looked at her for a moment, and felt like he might be sick. His eyes closed and opened and closed again and the world was very blurry… and then he was on the floor, and his throat had constricted so much that he couldn’t even manage to scream out loud. “Jace!” Clary said again, dropping to the ground beside him. He could barely make out her face, and realized that his eyes had glazed over with tears. His body had already started to grieve for something his mind wouldn’t accept.

“Alec,” Jace managed to whimper, and a very small part of his consciousness was aware enough to register Clary’s sudden gasp of horrified understanding. Other people rushed towards them now, crowding around, witness to the most heart-wrenching moment of his life.

And then Jace was alone in his own soul, and it felt worse than dying. 

* * *

 Clary didn’t let herself grieve, or panic, or feel much of anything at first. She had never seen Jace look like that before, utterly lost, blank, his face paper-white under a sheen of sweat. A couple of other people had come forward to offer their assistance, but Clary had shooed them away. She knew the news would spread quickly – it wasn’t exactly difficult to guess what Jace’s sudden, unprompted collapse meant – but she couldn’t worry about that now. She got him into his bedroom, propped him up in bed, and called Izzy. No answer. She pushed the panic down a second time, took a deep breath, and tried Magnus.

“Clary, what a pleasant – ”

“Is Alec with you?” A stupid question, Clary knew, but it was all she could think to ask. There was silence on the other end of the line for a beat.

“No, why?”

“Magnus,” Clary said, and she could hear the whine in her voice, the unavoidable truth of the pain she was about to cause. “Jace just collapsed. And we don’t know where Alec is.”

There was a sound on the other end of the line, something between a gasp and a sob, and then Magnus’ voice, low and wavering. “You don’t know where – ”

“No, and I can’t reach Izzy either, I’m worried that she might be…”

“I’ll find her,” Magnus said, and before Clary could say anything else, Magnus had hung up. She turned warily back to Jace, who was still sitting up against the wall in bed, unmoving.

“Jace?” she asked, her voice inadequate in its tentative sympathy.

“I can’t find him,” Jace said. His voice sounded raw, scraped, like he’d been screaming. But he hadn’t been – he’d been eerily silent for the last ten minutes, his eyes a dead, unseeing film over their usually vibrant hue. “I keep reaching – I can’t – ” he let out a huff of frustration and swung his legs forward suddenly, standing and striding across the room towards the door.

Clary interceded, hardly knowing why - “Where are you going?”

“ _When thou diest, I will die, and there will I be buried_ ,” Jace said, and he sounded almost impatient, like Clary was being dense or something. “I need to find him.”

Clary felt her heart lurch sideways in her chest. “You don’t mean…” she’d always interpreted that part of the Parabatai oath to be symbolic, but the way Jace was acting…

Jace was still looking at her like she was an idiot, waiting for her to move away from the door. He had tear tracks on both sides of his face but his expression was still frighteningly blank. “I need to find him,” he repeated, as if this was an answer to Clary’s unspoken question. Maybe it was. Clary didn’t know.

“I think maybe you need to take a couple of minutes,” she began, feeling completely inadequate to handle the situation. What did she know about the Parabatai bond, really? What did it mean for Jace to lose Alec? Would he recover? Would it really kill him?

Jace blinked a couple of times, very quickly, and focused in on her face for a moment. He appeared to actually be seeing her for the first time since he’d collapsed, and his forehead wrinkled a bit in consternation. “Clary… there’s nothing a couple of minutes are going to do for me.” He hesitated, then reached a hand out and put it on her shoulder. “There’s nothing that anybody can do for me anymore. Okay?”

It was a gentle rebuke, but it felt like a slap to the face, and Clary tried very hard not to make this moment a selfish one. She wanted to help Jace, she wanted to grieve Alec, she wanted to know that Izzy was alive… but how was she even supposed to start?

And then Clary’s phone buzzed in her hands, where it was still resting from her talk with Magnus. The name _Izzy_ flashed across the screen and she answered it without hesitation, her heart in her throat again. She was starting to get dizzy from all of the sudden lurches in emotion. “Clary, we’re outside, Alec’s hurt pretty bad, we need Jace – ”

The phone had not been on speaker, but Jace was standing right next to her, close enough to hear Izzy’s voice, and at her words, he let out a strangled sort of yelp and grabbed the phone from Clary, shoving her aside and making his way down the hallway so quickly that Clary had to sprint to keep up. “He’s alive?” Jace hissed into the phone, his voice strained and hopeful. Clary couldn’t hear Izzy’s response on the other end, but Jace had sped up into a full-on sprint of his own now, and Clary bit back her own feelings of fear and worry and did her best to lengthen her stride. 

* * *

 Jace ran, his heart pounding in his ears, every muscle tensed, the feeling of hollow emptiness inside of him mocking him with every step. _It’s a trick_ , a nasty voice said in the back of Jace’s ear. _Or Izzy’s wrong. You know he’s dead. You know he’s_ gone _, you felt it. You felt it and you’re alone now. He’s been taken from you_ , _and you’re_ ALONE. Jace kept running, Izzy’s voice a tenuous lifeline to sanity.

“It was awful, Jace, it just came out of nowhere, if Magnus hadn’t turned up when he did…”

And then Jace skidded around the corner to the infirmary and saw them. Magnus, his eyes glowing yellow, a strange purple energy coming off of his hands, Izzy, throwing her phone down mid-sentence as she saw him round the corner and reaching for something on a table of medical implements, tears streaking down her face, and both of them were leaning over –

“Jace?” Alec said, his voice weak, pained. He was already in the hospital bed, and he tried to sit up, his motions feeble and ineffective.

“Oh, God, Alec,” Jace said, shocked a bit at the desperate tone of his own voice. He lurched forward, feeling his heart swooping up from his stomach, his hands outstretched, and grabbed Alec’s hand in both of his, squeezing it hard. “ _How_? I felt… I thought…” Jace tried to suppress the sound of his own heartbeat so he could find Alec’s inside of him, but it wasn’t working.

“I’m sorry,” Alec said. His eyes were glazed over with pain, and a faint purpleish glow was lighting his skin a strange hue from the magic Magnus was using from where he stood near Alec’s feet. Izzy leaned over him as well, pressing down hard on Alec’s side. Alec hissed, his eyes closing for a moment in pain, and Jace’s hands convulsed involuntarily over Alec’s. He was touching him, could feel the living skin beneath his hands, but he still couldn’t _feel_ … “Jace, I’m sorry,” Alec repeated, sounding utterly broken. “I tried to stop them, I’d rather die, you know I…” he broke off with a low moan as Izzy adjusted her hold on his torso, jostling him.

“What?” Jace said, still not understanding, still not able to peel his eyes away from Alec’s face. He was breathing. He was talking. He was alive. He was –

And then Jace looked down to what Izzy was doing, and the shock was almost enough to make him let go of Alec’s hand. Almost. On his lower left torso, where their rune had once been, was a charred, mangled lump of flesh, and nothing more. 

* * *

The burnt skin wasn’t much of a worry, but the acidic compound was unknown, and Izzy insisted on keeping Alec in the infirmary at least until she could confirm he was really out of the woods. Jace had insisted on activating Alec’s _iratze_ himself, although both of them wondered if the Parabatai bond would actually be of any benefit given the circumstances. In a couple of hours, Alec was, at least physically, mostly alright. The spot on his torso was still smarting, and Izzy thought it would take several days to regrow the skin, but even that wasn’t causing much physical discomfort.

Despite his relatively undamaged physical condition, this was probably the worst Alec had ever felt in his life. It was like was missing a limb. No, it was like he was missing _himself_. “Jace?” Alec said, his voice hesitant. His Parabatai was sitting in a chair just next to the hospital bed. He looked up when Alec spoke, his eyes far away, still pained. “How are you feeling?”

Jace grimaced at the question. “I really hate that you have to ask me that.”

Alec nodded, feeling tears well up in his eyes. “Me too.”

“I feel…” Jace paused. Alec knew he was considering carefully. He didn’t want to lie, or to leave anything out, but he also didn’t want to put any of his own pain on Alec. It was a relief, in a way, for Alec to know that he could still read Jace, even without the bond. Finally, Jace spoke. “I’m so relieved you’re not dead.” His voice broke a bit on the last word. “And I’m also terrified of what this means.”

Alec nodded. “Sorry.”

“Stop apologizing,” Jace said.

“I should have just let it kill me – ”

“Don’t you dare say that to me, Alec,” Jace said, his tone brooking no argument.

“I don’t want to live without – ”

“Shut up,” Jace said, and Alec saw that he was crying too, the tears running silently down his cheeks. “Just shut up, okay? And move over.”

Alec did so without question, and Jace slid in next to him on the bed, wrapping an arm around Alec and tugging him in close as he did so. Alec still felt untethered, and it felt like the blood inside of him was on fire. But feeling Jace’s arm wrapped around his chest, hearing the sound of his breathing, even the beat of his heart against Alec’s back… it was helping.

“What are we going to do?” Alec asked, a little afraid of what Jace might answer.

“We’re going to fix it,” Jace said, his tone calm and assured.

“Is your rune…”

“Faded, scarred, as if you were…”

“Dead,” Alec finished for him.

“When I felt it, I was so… I couldn’t…” Jace huffed a noise of impatience into the back of Alec’s neck, searching for words. Alec knew Jace was reaching for him through a bond that was no longer there, because Alec was doing the same thing back.

“I know,” Alec said, pulling Jace’s arm a little tighter against him. “Believe me, I know.”

They were both quiet for a moment, and then Jace said, his voice the gentle tone he only used when Alec got injured. “You should get some rest, okay?”

Alec nodded. He felt wide awake, wired, and like everything inside of him had been scooped out. He’d always known the Parabatai bond was important to him. How could it not be? But it was a bit frightening to experience himself without it, almost disturbing to realize how much of his own sense of self was tied up in his connection to Jace. He felt unmoored, and even without the bond he knew Jace felt the same – hell, Jace had crawled into bed with him, hadn’t he? The last time the two of them had actually _cuddled_ had been… well… there had been a thunderstorm and a nightmare involved, and they’d both been eleven years old. Still, it felt natural. It felt secure. It felt like the closest thing to home he could imagine, and so Alec let himself close his eyes, felt the press of Jace’s forehead against his shoulder, felt the steady thrumming of a heartbeat against his side, and drifted off to sleep.


	2. Chapter Two

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> AN: So, based on some negative feedback on the first chapter I’ve decided to adjust the tags. I should be clear that the focus of the story is on Jace and Alec’s relationship, and the intensity and intimacy of the Parabatai bond, but the canonical couples of Clary/Jace and Alec/Magnus are included in subplots of this story and those pairings are still together in the end. There are hints of Jace/Alec as well (mostly centered on Alec’s canonical feelings for Jace in the earlier parts of the show) but it’s not how the story ends up. Sorry if I misrepresented anything.

When Clary came in to the infirmary to check on Jace and Alec the next morning, she found Magnus already standing in the doorway. She smiled a greeting at him, and then followed his intent gaze to the single bed in the room. She felt her heart skip a beat, and then felt slightly annoyed at herself for the reaction. Jace and Alec were both curled up, asleep in the bed, Jace's head on Alec's shoulder, his pressed against Alec's chest, over his heart, as if he'd been feeling the heartbeat before falling asleep. Alec's hand was over Jace's, his head tilted down towards his slightly shorter friend, chin brushing Jace's hair. Clary looked up at Magnus, who stopped staring at the two men to look down at her and give a wry smile.

"At least they're both fully clothed," he said, his usual sardonic tone darkened with a bit of actual jealousy.

Clary let out a humorless breath of laughter. "It's not like that between them," she said, her voice firm. She really did believe that - it wasn't a fear of physical infidelity that was making her just a bit jealous herself.

"I know," Magnus said simply. "It's still difficult sometimes, isn't it?"

Clary didn't have to ask what Magnus meant. She knew Jace loved her, would do anything in the world for her, and she'd seen Alec around Magnus enough to know that Alec was head over heels for his boyfriend as well. But there were some things that Jace and Alec couldn't share with anybody but each other. It could be a bit lonely, dating someone who already had a soulmate.

"I don't resent it," Clary said truthfully.

"Neither do I," Magnus said. "I worry for Alexander constantly, of course - the Parabatai bond makes you stronger, but it can also be a weakness."

Clary nodded, remembering yesterday, remembering the look on Jace's face when he'd believed Alec to be dead. "I'd never seen anything like it," Clary said, feeling cold all over. "It was like he was gone, like it hurt him to be alive, like he couldn't understand why his heart was still beating."

"It was like that for Alec, too, when Jace fell at Lake Lyn," Magnus told her quietly. "He doesn't like to talk about it, but I saw how he reacted. It was..." Magnus paused, looking for words to describe it. "I knew Alexander's soul was bound to another before I ever began to love him," he said. "But it wasn't until that moment that I think I realized exactly what that could mean."

"So what do we do now?" Clary asked. "Can they... can they fix it?" She looked back at Jace and Alec. Alec's cheek was pressed into the crown of Jace's head, and Jace's face was buried in the crook of Alec's neck. Their fingers were tangled up together on Alec's chest. They looked impossible to pry apart, twined together like their souls were attempting to restitch in their sleep.

"I wouldn't know," Magnus said. "The Clave isn't big on sharing Shadowhunter secrets with the likes of me. I do know that Parabatai bonds are sacred, and complex, and often end in tragedy. I've never heard of a situation like this, though."

"If they can't get the bond back..." Clary began, and then trailed off. She didn't quite know what question she was trying to ask, but Magnus seemed to understand anyway.

"Plenty of Shadowhunters never find a Parabatai, and they live fulfilling lives. Those who have such a bond and lose it... well, the effects can vary, but it's often extremely painful, even deadly. In their case... well, they're both alive. They aren't suffering permanent separation, such as it is. I wish I knew what it meant, Clary. All we can do is be there for them as best we can."

* * *

When Jace woke up, it was to find himself tangled up with Alec on the tiny bed in the infirmary, Clary sitting on the chair by the bed, a stack of books in her lap. He didn’t feel guilty about staying with Alec, but there was a twinge of distress at the thought of what Clary might have imagined, seeing them that way. He let the distress wash away as Clary looked up at him, an encouraging smile on her face.

“How are you feeling?” she asked him in a whisper, so as not to wake Alec, who was still curled around Jace, asleep.

Jace paused to consider that. “Awful,” he finally said. “Ridiculously relieved that he’s okay, but… awful.”

Clary bit her lip and looked down at the stack of books on her lap. “Yeah. Listen, I couldn’t sleep last night, so I did some research on the demon that did this to Alec.”

“Yeah?” Jace said, sitting up a bit more and gently dislodging Alec so he could stand and peer over Clary’s shoulder.

“Magnus said he’d heard of it before, it’s a Greater Demon, one that feeds off of misery.”

“What does that even mean?”

“It means it doesn’t kill all of its victims. Sometimes it does, but it always uses slow methods, things that will torture and draw out the pain. And sometimes it doesn’t even end in death. It can see into a person’s mind and heart, and it tries to find ways to hurt them specifically.”

“So with Alec…” Jace said, feeling his heart constrict. God, he loved him. This whole situation was beyond wretched. He wanted to take the pain away from Alec somehow, but he couldn’t do that – it was the only thing left that they still shared of their bond.

“Yeah. I think the demon went after the Parabatai bond because it knew it would cause profound suffering,” Clary said, her voice a little soft, like she was talking to someone bereaved.

“And it’s going to… feed off of it, somehow?” Jace asked, looking back at Alec on the bed, a hint of anxiety in his voice.

“I guess so. But Izzy drove it away, so…”

“Have you told her about this?” Jace asked. “We need to keep him monitored, make sure nothing else crazy happens.”

Alec chose that moment to wake up, a sharp intake of breath alerting Jace and Clary. Jace turned to him by instinct, laying a hand on his shoulder to stop him from sitting up too quickly. “You’re okay,” Jace told him, as Alec’s eyes found focus on Jace’s face. “You’re okay.”

Alec looked at him for a long time, and Jace could see the heartbreak in the expression. He was feeling it again, reaching for Jace without being able to find him. Finally, Alec blinked and broke eye contact. “Where’s Magnus?”

“He’s still at the institute,” Clary said. “With Izzy, I think. I’ve been keeping watch over you both, I told Magnus I’d get him when you woke up.” She pulled out her phone to call him, as Jace took Alec’s hand, squeezing it hard.

“How do you feel?” Jace asked, and Alec scrunched his face up.

“Yeah, it sucks that you have to ask,” he said, echoing Jace’s sentiment from the night before. “I feel exhausted. I feel… weird.”

“Yeah, that’s putting it mildly,” Jace said. He moved a hand up and brushed some of Alec’s hair back away from his forehead where it had flopped forward and slightly into his eyes. As he did so, he paused, then pressed his hand more firmly against Alec’s brow. “You’re warm, do you feel feverish?”

Alec frowned, and Jace removed his hand, staring intently at Alec, trying to sense something, _anything_ from him. “No, I feel okay…” Alec said slowly.

“We’ll have Izzy keep an eye on you,” Jace said, as Clary came back to their bedside.

“Magnus and Izzy were talking to your mom, Alec,” Clary said. “Magnus is on his way to see you.” She paused, looking at him for a long moment, and then spoke. “I’m so glad you’re okay.”

Alec smiled, reaching out a hand towards Clary, who took it, looking touched. “Thank you for being here,” he said, and Clary blushed slightly, looking down away from Alec’s gaze. The sight was beyond endearing, and Jace couldn’t help but smile a little at his two favorite people in the world expressing their affection for one another.

When Magnus arrived, Alec tilted his head at Jace, and Jace and Clary left the room to give the two some privacy. The second Jace was out of the room, he felt an odd anxiousness building within him. It was one thing to feel the absence of the bond when he could see Alec with his own eyes, see him, touch him, know through his physical senses that his Parabatai was alive. It was harder to believe it when he wasn’t with Alec, when he could feel the dull ache in his faded rune, the emptiness attempting to swallow him up from within.

“Thank you, Clary,” Jace said as they reached the end of the hallway. He needed a distraction. “Thank you for your help, for researching the demon, for… being there.”

Clary smiled at him, reaching a hand up and cupping the side of his head. “Of course. There’s nowhere else I’d be, Jace. I love you. I love Alec, too.”

Jace nodded, feeling a little choked up. Was he going to be this raw, this emotional, for the rest of his life? It was… exhausting. He pulled Clary forward into a hug, trying not to start crying again. He’d had enough of that in the last twenty-four hours.

Jace and Clary found their way to the institute’s library, intent on looking for more information on the demon, and maybe, although Jace was trying not to get his hopes up, on ways to fix his bond with Alec. Both of them attempted to ignore the curious looks they were getting from every other member of the institute. By now the story had made it through the entire New York institute, and Izzy had gotten word to Idris as well. They had barely gotten started when the sounds of heavy, quick footfalls caught Jace’s attention, and as he looked up towards the doorway, another Shadowhunter entered, looking frazzled and scared.

“What’s going on?” Jace asked, already feeling his anxiety skyrocket at the look on the woman’s face.

“It’s Alec. Izzy sent me to come get you. He’s not waking up.”

* * *

The next three days were, without a doubt, the worst in Jace’s life. Afterwards, it all blended together, the tears on Izzy’s face as she told him – “he’s slipped into some sort of a coma, it’s the acid that the demon used, I don’t know how to wake him up” – the look of devastation and exhaustion on Magnus’ face as he pushed himself to the limit to keep Alec in stasis – the two separate occasions on which Alec’s heart had stopped beating and they’d had to resuscitate him. Jace had barely slept, barely eaten, until Izzy had snapped at him that he was no good to Alec if he made himself sick as well. 

Magnus needed all of them – Izzy, Clary, and Jace were all trading off sitting with the warlock, holding his hand and lending him their strength as he channeled his magic into keeping Alec away from the brink of death. Magnus looked at the point of collapse himself, but he wouldn’t take a break, and has hard as it was to see him looking so weak, Jace was grateful all the same for his endurance.

It was some time during the second day that Maryse turned up and took temporary control of the New York institute. Typically, with Alec out of commission Jace or Izzy should have been taking on his duties, but neither of them were willing to leave his side, and when they weren’t actively lending strength to Magnus, they were recuperating to take another shift when it was their turn again.

“Jace, I need you,” Magnus’ voice cut through the tense silence in the room. Jace had been half asleep on the chair next to Alec’s bed, but he jerked awake, afraid as he always was when he took his eyes off of Alec that his Parabatai would have slipped away when he wasn’t paying attention.

“What?”

“Clary needs her rest, and I need you,” Magnus said, his voice low and strained. Jace looked over in time to see Clary, whose hand was clasped within Magnus’, go limp and tilt sideways into Izzy’s waiting arms.

“Clary – ” Jace said, feeling trapped in a nightmare. Alec was barely holding on, and now he was watching Clary fall too –

“She’s just worn out,” Izzy said, sounding equally exhausted. “You help Alec, Jace. I’ll go with Clary, make sure she gets her rest.”

Jace nodded, his mind whirling, and took up his position beside Magnus, offering his hand. He watched, his eyes stinging, as Isabelle escorted a barely conscious Clary out of the room.

“Are you going to make it?” Jace asked Magnus, staring intently at the beads of sweat forming along Magnus’ brow. “Are we enough to sustain you?”

Magnus was quiet for such a long time that Jace thought he wasn’t going to answer. Finally, he did, his voice quiet and strained. “Yes. For now. But this is just a stop-gap. I can’t keep it going forever, and if we can’t find something to counteract the acid, he’ll die.” Magnus’ tone was almost cold on the final words, but Jace knew this to be nothing but a defense mechanism – a way to block out a pain he wasn’t prepared to contemplate. Jace could sympathize. He had spent less than an hour believing Alec to be dead, but there had been enough grief to last him a lifetime in those few minutes.

“We’ve got people searching for information around the clock,” Jace said, staring at Alec’s face as if he could will him to open his eyes if he just looked hard enough. “We’ll find something.”

“Of course we will,” Magnus said, his breathing going a bit shallow and his hand tightening around Jace’s. “And Alec is the strongest person I know. If anybody can survive this, it’s him.”


	3. Chapter Three

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks, all, for your feedback!

“We found something,” Izzy said, walking into the room on the morning of the third day. Jace was with Magnus again. He’d taken a couple of hours to sleep and let Clary take another turn, grimacing at the dark circles under her eyes. He wanted to protect her from the strain of this so badly, but if it was the only way to save Alec, he didn’t have much of a choice. After Jace had managed to get a couple of hours, he took over and sent Clary back to bed, but seeing her march into the room beside Izzy, he realized she’d gone straight to the library instead.

Izzy didn’t look much better than the rest of them. She hadn’t showered in days, remnants of old makeup smudged under her eyes, her hair pulled back in a messy, tangled knot. But there was a glimmer of triumph in her eyes, and Jace locked on to that even as he felt Magnus take another pull of Jace’s strength, the magic surging through Magnus’ outstretched palm to hover over Alec, whose face was covered in a fine sheen of sweat.

“The greater demon, all we need is a drop of its blood and we can create a spell that will save him,” Clary said, her own exhausted face alight with hope.

“How the hell are we going to get – “ Jace asked, but Izzy held up a bloodstained white halter top, cutting him off midsentence.

“It’s what I was wearing when that _thing_ hurt my brother,” Izzy said. Jace could have kissed her, if he weren’t too exhausted to move.

“And you can make the spell work?” he asked instead.

“Yes, we can get it all prepared, and then Magnus should be able to do it.”

“Magnus?” Jace asked. The warlock had looked on the verge of collapse for quite some time, but his mouth was tightened in a determined line.

“If it will save Alexander, I can do it.”

* * *

Clary, Magnus, and Izzy were all in the room when Alec finally opened his eyes. Jace was asleep in the next room, but he’d given Clary firm instructions to wake him if anything changed. And she would, she’d go get him in just a moment. But for now she was a little too exhausted, a little too relieved, to move a muscle, and anyway, Jace desperately needed his sleep.

“Alec?” Izzy’s voice was a mixture of pained and hopeful as she rushed forward, putting a hand under Alec’s head to help him lift it slightly. “Can you hear me?”

“Iz? What – ” Alec paused, blinking and looking around the room. Clary saw his gaze fall onto Magnus and his eyes, still bleary, widen in alarm. “Magnus, what _happened_ to you?”

Magnus did look like death warmed over, but at Alec’s concerned exclamation he managed a tired, yet still elated, smile. “Alexander. You’re going to be alright now.” He stood on wobbly legs and came forward, leaning over to wrap his arms around Alec. Alec lifted one arm weakly to return the embrace. “But I’m about to pass out, so I think I’ll just go next door…”

“Are you okay?” Alec asked, his voice high with concern and confusion.

“Just a little tired, my love,” Magnus promised. Clary almost felt she should look away from their moment of intimacy, but it filled her with so much warmth to see them together. Magnus leaned forward and gently pressed his chapped lips to Alec’s own, and then withdrew, taking a few shaky steps towards the door.

“Alec, I’m going to go with him to make sure he doesn’t fall over on his way to a bed,” Izzy said, brushing her hand through her brother’s hair, her eyes alight with unshed tears. “I’m so glad you’re awake, big brother.”

When Clary and Alec were alone, they stared at each other for a moment, and then Clary rushed forward to pour Alec a cup of water, feeling a nervous, giddy need to do something useful.

“You look like hell, too,” Alec said, not unkindly. “How long…”

“Three days,” Clary answered, tilting the cup of water towards Alec. He took a grateful sip.

“And Magnus… that whole time?”

“He was incredible. He saved your life,” Clary said. “Oh, Alec, we were all so scared…”

“Is Jace…”

“Asleep. I should go get him, he’s been a mess.” That was a bit of an understatement, Clary thought, frowning slightly at the thought of Jace’s mood over the past few days. They had all been scared for Alec, of course, but Jace had the added anxiety of being unable to feel his Parabatai through their bond. He couldn’t tell how Alec was doing, couldn’t sense if he was getting better or worse, and the lack of special insight had left him feeling even more vulnerable.

Alec nodded, and Clary could see a look of concern in his eyes. “Should we let him rest?”

Clary hesitated, then shook her head. “He’s been so scared, I’m sure he’s not resting peacefully as it is – once he sees you’re awake maybe he’ll be able to get some actual recuperation – ”

“Alec!” Jace burst into the room behind them, his hair sticking up in all directions, wearing only a pair of sweats. Clary backed away just in time as Jace came barreling forward, grabbing at Alec’s arm as he approached. “You’re okay? Izzy said you were awake, I had to see you – ”

Alec smiled at him, the depth of affection and sorrow in his expression enough that Clary was compelled to look away from it. “I’m okay. I’m fine, Jace.”

“You can’t do that to me, Alec, I was going out of my mind, I thought you were going to die…”

“Sorry,” Alec said, and Jace leaned forward to pull him up, gently, into a hug. “I’m okay, I’m right here.” Clary watched them for a moment, watched the way both of their eyes were squeezed shut, their arms taut as they pressed themselves as closely together as they were able. She tried again to imagine what they were going through, what the absence of the bond would feel like to them, but it was impossible to imagine the absence of something she didn’t understand to begin with. She left them there, in their embrace, and went to go lie down in her bedroom. She’d let the others care for Alec for now – she needed a solid twelve hour nap.

* * *

 Jace had been trading one brand of misery for another all week. First, the desperate, disbelieving grief of believing Alec was dead, then the relief mixed with a bone-deep agony at the loss of their bond, then three days of intense panic as he watched his friend struggle for life. During those three days, the loss of their bond had been a persistent, but secondary, ache. All he could focus on was getting Alec through the fever. All he wanted was to see Alec open his eyes, talk to him, recover. But now that that was happening, the reality of their situation was setting in for him again, and it wasn’t any easier to cope with.

“Do you think we should talk to the Silent Brothers?” Jace asked Alec. It was two days since Alec had first regained consciousness. He was still confined to the infirmary, but he looked so much better. With help from Jace, Magnus, Izzy, and Clary, he had even started to take short excursions down the hall and back, regaining some of his strength with each passing hour. At the moment the two of them were eating lunch, Jace sitting back in the chair by Alec’s bed, his foot resting on the side of it near Alec’s arm.

“What are they going to tell us that we don’t already know?” Alec asked, grimacing at a blob of purple jello on his tray. “Parabatai bonds are a once in a lifetime deal.”

Jace frowned at him, trying to gauge his mood. “Stop being so pessimistic. Our bond was stolen from us, it’s not like we did anything wrong.”

“Yeah, but does that matter?” Alec asked, taking a bite of the offending jello and grimacing as he swallowed. “The Silent Brothers aren’t going to have any compassion for our situation, it’s not going to matter to them.”

“Do you have a better suggestion?” Jace asked, trying to keep from snapping. He could tell from the expression on Alec’s face that he hadn’t quite succeeded in keeping the harshness from his tone. “Sorry, I just… we can’t give up, okay?”

Alec nodded, looking a little forlorn. “I’m not. It’s just hard to see a way past this. It’s like I’m in denial – I keeping looking for you and I forget that I can’t reach you, and then I have to remember all over again.”

Jace understood exactly what he meant. His hand, without his conscious awareness, had drifted to his torso to press over the spot where his rune had faded into a faint, scarred mark. For the rest of his life, if anybody saw that spot on his stomach they would think he’d lost his Parabatai. He’d be treated to stares of sympathy, horror, and morbid fascination. But Alec was alive – his best friend, the better half of him, was sitting right in front of him forcing his way through an unappetizing hospital meal. He was a little banged up, but physically improving. Jace felt like his grief was somehow tainted, like he had all of the sadness and terror of loss within him, but no good outlet for it.

“Clary found some old books, the kinds with legends about early Shadowhunters and Clave formation, that kind of thing. She’s looking for a precedent, any story of other Parabatai who have had their bond severed like this. Maybe we can find something that way.”

Alec nodded a bit absentmindedly. “I think we need to think about getting back into a normal routine,” he said finally, and Jace blinked at the non-sequitur.

“What do you mean?”

“We can keep looking for ways to fix this, but in the meantime, I’ve got to think about the institute as well. Mom can’t cover for me forever, you know? And you, Izzy, and Clary – you can’t be spending all of your time trying to help with this. You need to get back out there on assignments. Frankly, so do I, but I think I probably still need a few more days of rest…”

“I don’t want you out on assignment without me,” Jace said quickly. He felt his throat close at the thought. “I have to be there to watch your back, and I don’t know how to do that without the bond – ”

“Relax,” Alec said. “I didn’t mean… I’m just saying that we can’t put the rest of our lives on pause forever. We’ve got to reassure everybody that I’m not permanently damaged. I know the rest of the New York institute has been worried about me, but I can’t have them losing respect for me or pitying me either.”

Jace frowned. “Nobody’s lost any respect for you, Alec. Don’t be crazy.”

“Like you would know,” Alec said, not unkindly. “Everybody’s tip-toeing around the two of us like we’re delicate little flowers, and that’s not exactly the image I want to cultivate.”

“I _feel_ delicate,” Jace admitted frankly. “I feel lost.”

“Me too,” Alec said. “But we’ve got to focus on what matters. We’re Shadowhunters, Jace. We’ll do everything we can to get the bond back, but we can’t forget our other obligations.”

Alec’s tone of voice seemed to conclude the conversation, but Jace stared at him for a long time, wishing once again that he could feel what was going on with Alec. He could understand the restlessness – being confined to a bed for so long had to be aggravating. But did Alec not understand what his near death had done to Jace? To Izzy, to _Magnus_? He was acting like he could pop right up and go back to the way things were before, but Jace wasn’t nearly as confident that this would be possible.

* * *

Alec was finally allowed to get out of the institute the following day, although Jace and Izzy both seemed extremely nervous about the idea. He finally told Jace he could come along, just walk him to Magnus’ door to make sure he was safe. He wanted to be annoyed at Jace’s hovering, but the look on his Parabatai’s face was just so pathetically grateful that he couldn’t find it in himself to get too irritated.

Magnus greeted the two of them when they arrived, but Jace didn’t stay long, just long enough to give them both a hug, squeeze Alec one final time on the shoulder, and leave, the look of anxiety never fully going away even as he exited.

“Do Jace and Clary have plans for the evening?” Magnus asked once they were alone.

“Yeah,” Alec said, frowning. “But I think the plans are to scour the library again. Jace is… relentless.”

“Can you blame him?” Magnus asked, placing a hand on Alec’s back and walking with him over to the couch. “He misses you.”

“Yeah,” Alec said. “I miss him too, it just feels so… hopeless. I’m worried there’s no way back from this. I worry about what it will do to both of us if we can’t fix it.”

Magnus was quiet for a long moment. The two of them sat together in silence, Magnus pulling Alec down so that he was leaning against Magnus’ side. Alec tried to ignore the aching emptiness inside of him where Jace’s soul was supposed to be, but he couldn’t. He had the absurd urge to text Jace, to ask him to tell him when he got safely back to the institute. His inability to feel him was throwing him off balance more than he wanted to admit. But he took a couple of deep breaths and tried to focus instead on the comfort of being with Magnus.

“Alec…” Magnus said, his tone a bit cautious. Alec immediately felt himself grow nervous. Paradoxically, Magnus only called him by his shortened name when he was being serious.

“What’s wrong?”

“I… well, perhaps nothing. I’m not sure.”

Alec sat up to look him in the eye. “You’re making me nervous.”

“You know I’ve been talking to some contacts about that demon that attacked you,” Magnus said. He paused putting a hand on the side of Alec’s face for a moment, a light pressure that encompassed so much of Magnus’ fear and grief over Alec’s near death. “And I also spoke to a contact of mine that I thought might have some insights into the situation with your Parabatai bond.”

Alec’s anxiety spiked even higher. He had the errant thought that Jace would be able to feel it, would worry about him since he’d been so clingy lately, and then the crash and burn of remembering that Jace couldn’t feel _anything¸_ and neither could Alec. “So… what did you find out?” he said, trying to keep his tone nonchalant.

“There is a way the two of you can be bonded again,” Magnus said simply.

“ _What?_ ” Alec said, his heart leaping into his throat. He stood up, a bit too quickly, and felt his still fatigued limbs protest at the jarring movement. “How? Are you sure?”

“Alexander, before you celebrate… you should know that it’s incredibly dangerous for Jace.”

That brought him up cold. “For Jace? What do you mean?”

Magnus explained, as Alec listened in horror – Alec’s rune had been completely removed by the acid from the greater demon, enough so that it was as if, for the purposes of rune magic, he had never had the rune at all. In that way, he could get another Parabatai rune, likely without serious issue. But Jace would need to eradicate his rune as well in order to get a new one. He couldn’t have it removed through the Shadowhunters’ de-runing process. He had to be scarred just like Alec had been. And the only way Magnus had been able to find of doing that was to get more of the acid from the greater demon, or something similar from another such hellish creature. In other words, Jace would have to go through serious illness. He’d have to risk death.

“I should be able to mitigate the risks,” Magnus said, as Alec felt the hollow feeling inside of him grow to encompass his entire being. “Like I did for you. I know it’s frightening to contemplate, but this is still progress.”

“No,” Alec said, bringing Magnus up short.

“Alec – ”

“No, I can’t ask Jace to put himself through that. He could die. I’m very lucky to have survived it, Magnus, you told me that yourself. Not to mention what saving me did to you – it took a tole on your magic that you still haven’t recovered from.”

Magnus waved the last part away, trying to grab Alec’s arm and get him to sit back down on the couch. But Alec couldn’t, he was too wired to stay still. He paced around the room, his arms waving in front of him, one hand tugging through his hair.

“You’re sure there’s no other way?”

“No, I’m not sure,” Magnus said. “But I would have no idea where to start with any other plan. Listen, Alexander, maybe you should talk it over with Jace, and the two of you can weigh the risks.”

“No. Jace can’t know about this,” Alec said. “If he knew, he’d do it in a heartbeat, he’d throw his life away – I can’t let him.”

“But lying to him…”

“I _have_ to,” Alec said, the full implications of his words only sinking in as he said them. “I can’t let him find out about this, Magnus. It’s too dangerous for him. At least we’re both healthy, now. At least we’re alive, that’s got to be better than the alternative.” And finally Alec did stop pacing. He sat down on the couch, his heart heavy, his mind crystal clear. He knew what he had to do, and he _really_ didn’t want to do it.


	4. Chapter Four

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter contains the first scene I wrote for the story and that totally broke my heart. Have fun!

If Jace had felt wretched the night before, with Alec away at Magnus’ for the night, he felt somehow even worse the following morning, when Alec stepped in to the institute in full business mode, relieving Maryse from her duties and taking over again as the head of the institute. Something was off with Alec, but Jace couldn’t tell what it was. That in itself was aggravating. He was acting… well, cold wasn’t exactly the right word, but there was a distance to him that hadn’t been there before, and it made Jace feel the rift between them to an even greater degree.

“What’s up with Alec?” Jace asked Izzy as the two of them made their way together into the main hall. “He’s like a man on a mission today.”

Izzy looked at him with something close to pity on her face, and then put a hand on his shoulder. “I know it’s hard, not being able to sense him the way you could with the bond. But you’re going to have to adjust.”

Jace bristled, but tried not to let his annoyance creep into his tone when he answered. “Yeah, maybe you’re right. For now. But we haven’t given up on getting the bond back.”

Izzy looked chagrined. “Oh, no, of course not, Jace. That’s not what I meant. I just meant that this has been hard on both of you, and you’re going to have to weather the storm until we can fix it.”

“Izzy, Jace, I need you both,” Alec said from near the viewscreen. A map of the city was pulled up in front of him, and he was staring intently. "I need the two of you out in the field, we've had reports of strange activity.

Jace stared at the map for a moment, then at Alec, feeling slightly shocked, although he didn't quite know why. Alec wanted him out on assignment? Izzy was examining the map as Alec filled them in on the details, but Jace couldn't stop staring at him, and when Alec dismissed them both, Jace pulled him aside briefly.

"Hey," he said, hesitant. "Alec, are you alright?"

"Why wouldn't I be?"

"It's just... are you sure you're okay with me going out there right now? Because if you need me to stay here - "

"I need you doing your job, Jace," Alec said. Again, there was that tone to his voice that set Jace back on his heels. He didn't sound angry or unfeeling, just matter-of-fact, like this was any other assignment.

"Okay," Jace said slowly. "It's just, if it were me, I wouldn't want you out there, in danger, the way things are now. You know - not being able to feel you. I'm just saying, we could always wait until we have the bond back, if you don't want me away from you right now."

A flicker of _something_ crossed Alec's face, and he raised a hand to brace it on Jace's shoulder. "Trust me, this isn't exactly easy, but I'm trying to do my job, Jace. You'll be safe out there. And if you get yourself hurt when I'm not around to have your back... well, I'll kick your ass. If Izzy doesn't get to you first." He smiled a bit grimly, squeezed Jace's shoulder once, and then released him, turning away to walk back towards the view screen. He turned back briefly when he was a few feet away. "When you and Iz get back, come and find me, okay? We need to talk about something."

Jace stared at his back for a long moment, and then let Izzy drag him away towards the armory.

* * *

“You wanted to talk?” Jace said as Alec opened his bedroom door to find him on the other side. Magnus was at his apartment tonight, meeting with a couple of late night clients, and Alec had decided to stay at the Institute to keep out of his hair. There was also the fact that he still felt uncomfortable being too far away from Jace. Even if he knew, mentally, that Jace was safe, it made him anxious not to be able to feel it. And if Jace’s insistence on following him around the institute that morning was anything to go by, he was feeling the same way.

The assignment had gone off without a hitch, and if Alec had felt his heart in his throat the entire time Jace was away, he couldn't let that get to him. After all, this had to be his new normal. He'd have to get used to sending Jace away from him without the bond as a security blanket, tethering him to his Parabatai so he would know if anything was amiss. At this particular moment, despite Alec's need to keep Jace close, Alec kind of wished he was at Magnus’, even if it meant putting up with some of his more eccentric clients. He was about to have a conversation he really didn’t want to have.

“It can wait until tomorrow,” Alec said, avoiding eye contact.

“Eariler, you said you wanted to talk when we got back,” Jace insisted, his eyebrows raised in concern when Alec didn't respond. “What is it? Are you okay?”

“No, I mean – yeah, I’m fine,” Alec said, taking an involuntary step backwards. Jace caught the little motion and frowned, taking a further step into the room.

“Alec? Talk to me.”

“We’re… okay, right?” Alec asked, hating how uncertain he sounded. Jace took a few more steps towards him and put a hand on Alec’s shoulder, his mouth drawn into a thin line.

“Yes. Yeah, we’re okay,” Jace said, still confused. “And I think me and Clary might have found something last night - it’s why I didn’t want to wait until tomorrow to talk to you.”

“Oh yeah?"

“So, if I remove my rune, not as a punishment but as a choice, we can both get new ones.” Alec opened his mouth to cut Jace off, but Jace squeezed his shoulder and shifted a bit closer to Alec, his expression earnest. “I know what you’re thinking, but Clary found this ancient text that talked about some of the earliest Parabatai bonds. You know a lot of the rules and regulations are more recent, there’s nothing that says it’s impossible – ”

“No,” Alec said, interrupting him. He pulled away from Jace’s hand and crossed the room, standing with his back to Jace for a moment, willing his heart to slow down. He just had to get through this without breaking down.

“No? What do you mean? Listen, you need to look at the research – ”

“Jace, I think we’re okay,” Alec said, turning back to face him. “I mean you and me, we’re still alive. I’m not dying, and the broken bond isn’t killing you the way it sometimes can when one half of a Parabatai bond loses the other… we survived it.”

Jace was quiet for a long moment. “Yeah, I guess… you’re not dead, so yeah, I survived it.”

“That’s not what I mean,” Alec said. “Even if I had died. You would have had to find a way to keep going, you know? Some Parabatai don’t survive the loss, but we did. We survived it.”

“If you had died, I don’t think I’d still be here,” Jace said, his tone solemn. “But I guess you’re technically right, it didn’t kill us. Which is a good thing. I’m still not sure what you’re getting at, Alec.” He wasn’t trying to follow Alec across the room, for which Alec was grateful. He really didn’t need Jace to be touching him when he finally did figure out what Alec was getting at.

“I’m just saying…” Alec began, trying to force himself to make eye-contact with Jace. “It’s over. We – we got through it. Maybe it’s time we accept that. We cut our losses and keep moving forward.”

The silence was oppressive, and Alec gave up on looking at Jace, staring at the floor, waiting for the other shoe to drop. But when Jace finally did speak, Alec couldn’t help looking at him, gauging his reaction, wishing for the millionth time that he could reach out and feel what Jace was experiencing, to know what his friend needed from him. But he couldn’t. He’d never be able to again.

"You're saying - what, that you don't want..." Jace trailed off, the expression on his face breaking Alec's heart just a little bit. He didn't look hurt so much as completely bewildered, as if Alec had suddenly started to speak in a language he didn't understand.

"Jace," he said, fighting to keep his tone measured. He wished they were in a training room, or outside, or anywhere that wasn't here, in his bedroom, intimate and alone. He couldn't hide himself as well when it was just the two of them. "You know I never would have wanted this to happen. You know it hurts me that the bond is gone."

"So then why won't you try?" Jace demanded, and now Alec could detect the beginnings of hurt behind the defiant tone.

"It's never been done – Parabatai runes are permanent. Once they’re gone, they’re gone. We can’t undo that, and getting new ones… it's dangerous, it could kill us for all we know. And while our current situation isn't exactly ideal, this doesn't have to be the end of the world. We're still family, we'll still have each other's backs, we just have to... adjust."

"Adjust," Jace echoed hollowly. He blinked a couple of times, his forehead scrunching up. "I can't tell what you're feeling," he continued, his voice slow, like he was puzzling something out. "I guess I thought - I thought it must feel for you like it does for me."

"What do you mean?" Alec asked, feeling cautious. Jace was staring at him like he'd found the answer he had been looking for, and was disappointed in the results. Alec fought to keep his expression passive.

"I guess you must not be hurting the way I am," Jace said, his tone hoarse.

"Don't do that," Alec said, feeling his heart tighten in his chest. "I hate this as much as you do. This is hell, it's awful, I'm just... I'm trying to be realistic about it - " he stopped himself. Jace was shaking his head slowly.

"No. If you felt the way I feel - " he bit off the end of the sentence for a moment, and Alec strained for him through a connection that was no longer there, desperate to know what he was thinking. "If you felt it, you'd know the chance to fix this is worth dying for."

Alec couldn't think of a single thing to say to that, and Jace, after staring at him for another long moment, turned and walked out of the room, letting the door swing gently shut behind him.

* * *

“Can you tell me what it feels like?” Clary asked. She and Jace were in his bedroom, piles of papers and books stacked on every available surface from their research on the bond. Jace hadn’t had the heart to put any of it away yet. He’d spend the rest of the previous evening alone, trying to figure out how to fit his mind around the fact that Alec didn’t want to try and get the bond back, that this feeling, this emptiness, was going to be the rest of his life now. He thought he might still be in denial about it. He felt cold all over, and like he was waiting to wake up from a nightmare. Several minutes ago, he’d told Clary about Alec’s decision, and she’d sat with him in silence for a long time, drinking it in, before asking him to explain what he was going through.

“I don’t know if I’ve ever really explained the bond to you,” Jace said, his voice weary. “I know you understand what it means, to Shadowhunters as a whole, but every bond is different, and it’s…”

“Private?” Clary finished.

“No, not necessarily, just… personal,” Jace said. “With Alec it’s – it was…” he stopped for a moment, feeling himself reach for the bond by instinct, something he found himself doing dozens of times a day, despite being unable to forget for even one instant that it wasn’t going to be there. “We couldn’t read each other’s thoughts, or just feel what the other person was feeling all the time,” Jace started. “It’s not as black and white as that.”

Clary looked at him, her eyes wide and open in understanding and compassion. It was hard to describe the Parabatai bond using words, and Jace felt almost strange about it, like he was telling secrets that didn’t belong to him. But for Clary… he sighed, rubbing a hand harshly across his face, and flopped down on his back on the bed so he was staring up at the ceiling. “If I wanted to know where Alec was, that he was okay, I could. I could just… know that. Not every detail, not the specifics, but enough to understand that he’s uninjured and relatively content and safe. When one of us is seriously injured, the other will usually feel it even if we’re not looking for it, but not always – we can block off our connection to a limited degree and keep each other from seeing things.”

“Why would you want to do that?” Clary asked.

Jace shrugged. “When…” he hesitated to bring it up, but Clary had asked, and anyway, it was old news. “When Alec and I were fighting, a few years ago, when things were bad between us… Alec got hurt in that attack on the Institute. It wasn’t a deadly wound or anything, but his arm was gouged really badly. I didn’t feel it, I didn’t even know about it until I called and Izzy told me.”

Jace glanced at Clary and saw the slight look of shame on her face. He knew she’d picked up on the hidden subtext of this story – Jace and Alec had been on the outs about a lot of things, but it had started with Clary’s arrival, and Jace’s immediate eagerness to help her instead of siding with the Clave was one of the biggest factors in their near rift. Still, it wasn’t Clary’s fault, and they’d all gotten past that – it was hard to think about now, a time when he and Alec could have gotten in to a physical altercation, a time when Alec would have found it necessary to risk their bond because Jace had run off behind his back. A time when Jace could have been so caught up in his own drama that he’d failed to notice how much Alec was going through. He felt his own degree of shame kick in at the memories, but he tried to shake it off. Alec had forgiven him. They’d forgiven each other for all of that, a long time ago. It _couldn’t_ be the reason Alec was denying him now.

Just the thought of losing the bond back then, when Alec had tried to track him, had been scary enough to contemplate. That fear had translated into a blood-boiling anger at Alec, the one who had dared to risk it. But the reality had proved to be so much worse than he could have imagined.

“So, you can turn the bond on and off, like a switch? Be attuned to each other when you want, but be alone when you want that instead?” Clary asked, cutting through Jace’s dark thoughts.

“No,” Jace said, still struggling to convey what it felt like. “He’s always with me. He… was always with me,” Jace corrected, swallowing painfully around the past-tense. “It’s just something you’re not aware of consciously all the time, like… how you don’t need to think about breathing.” Even that explanation wasn’t quite right, but it was the best Jace could do for now. “If I wanted Alec to feel something, to know where I was or that I needed him, he would know. I didn’t have to make a decision about it, I’d just call him to me by instinct.”

“That’s why Parabatai are so good in battle,” Clary said.

“Yeah, but it’s not just that, it’s… even when Alec and I disagree, even when things get really bad between us, he’s a part of me. He’s there, even if I don’t want him to be, but… I can’t not want him there. If that makes any sense.” He realized he was again talking about the bond as if it still existed, but he was too tired, too devastated, to let go of this little fiction.

“And now?” Clary asked. Her tone was still so gentle. She’d been walking on eggshells around Jace for days, but to be honest he appreciated it. He still felt delicate, like he might break apart at any moment. “How does it feel now?”

“There aren’t words for it.” The answer tore out of him, harsh and biting. “It’s like being really lonely, all alone, only magnified, like it's turned into this physical thing, weighing me down. It’s like I’m empty, like I can’t breathe, like…” he stopped, trying to stop himself from losing control, trying to find words for a feeling so devastating in some ways he didn't want to give it a name. “I don’t understand how he can do this, how he can stand it…” He'd never thought Alec could hurt him like this. Even when they'd fought in the past, Jace had never believed, for one second, that Alec didn't need him - didn't _want_ him. He'd never felt so off-balance, so unsure of himself.

“Hey,” Clary said, coming to sit next to him and putting an arm around his shoulder. “You know he misses you too, right?”

“He just gave up, Clary. He gave up, and I can’t understand. It hurts, everything hurts…” Jace took a shuddering breath. He refused to start crying again. This was getting ridiculous – he’d never been prone to overly emotional displays, but since the bond had broken he felt like the world was tilting around him. He couldn’t find his balance, he couldn’t achieve equilibrium. And he had assumed that it must be as bad for Alec as it was for him. But why had he assumed that? He couldn’t tell what Alec was feeling nowadays, and now that he thought about it, Alec had been the one who insisted that they try and move forward, that they get back to going on assignments, that Alec take the reins back from Maryse. Maybe he really was okay. Maybe he didn’t need Jace anymore.

“I don’t understand it either,” Clary said. “I wish I did – I wish I knew what to say to help you through this.”

Jace smiled at her, feeling exhausted, and crushed, and... well, there was no point in denying it to himself, heartbroken. Things with Alec were so far beyond messed up he almost couldn't believe it. But at least his relationship with Clary was solid, and that was no small thing. "You being here helps, Clary. You've been so patient with me, and I want you to know it hasn't gone unnoticed."

A lot of things in Jace's life usually went unsaid, especially when it came to his important relationships. He just didn't quite know how to articulate how he felt about people using words. But he had come to learn, and the knowledge had come with its fair share of remorse, that this had caused him to take people for granted. He knew he'd done exactly that to Alec in the past - and he didn't want it to happen with Clary too.

Clary smiled at him, leaning up to kiss him softly. "I like being here for you, Jace. It's my job. It's my privilege."

As Clary pulled him forward into her arms, Jace tried to find comfort in her words, tried to let it wash away the emptiness inside of him. But he couldn't stop the thoughts from coming, couldn't stop thinking that his Parabatai - the person he had sworn to protect, to stand by, to be there for - was now the person who had decided that they weren't worth fighting for.

 


	5. Chapter Five

Over the next week, Jace watched as Alec forged ahead, getting physically stronger each day and settling back in to the routine at the institute. Things had been more peaceful than ever before in the wake of Valentine's defeat, but there were still assignments, still inner-Shadowhunter politics, minor squabbles with the Downworlders, and other conflicts to occupy their time. Jace, for his part, felt like he was watching everything move on without him, like he was standing on the outside looking in. How was Alec doing it? How was he keeping his composure, talking to Shadhowunters, going about his day-to-day like his soul hadn't just been ripped to pieces?

Jace hated the way he himself was behaving - he felt like a jilted ex, skulking around and bringing the mood down whenever he was in the room. But he couldn't help it - he was almost jealous of Alec's ability to move on, but at the same time he zealously guarded his pain, lingering on the absence of the bond in some sort of sick attempt to hold on to the only thing he still had left of it. It felt like everybody was pitying him, and he hated it. He could take sympathy from Izzy and Clary, even from Magnus on the few occasions he'd seen the warlock over the last couple of days. He felt like they all understood, at least as much as anybody could. But from everybody else, the sympathetic stares, the curious glances, were really starting to get on his nerves.

"You're putting everyone on edge," Alec said to him one morning as the day's general meeting broke up and people begin scattering to their various duties. Jace had fallen into stride beside Alec almost automatically, but was now wishing he'd made himself scarce. The desperation to be near Alec was at constant war with the fact that Alec was the reason he was hurting. Another unavoidable paradox. "You've got to stop snapping at people."

"I'm not _snapping_ at people," Jace snapped.

Alec just raised an eyebrow, and Jace felt like screaming. "Fine. I'll... try and get it together."

"Good," Alec said. He clapped Jace on the shoulder and made to move off, but Jace, without thinking, grabbed Alec's hand as he pulled it away, and squeezed it tight.

"Alec," he said, voice low. "I..." he didn't even know how to finish the sentence. I miss you? I need you? Can you please just put me out of my misery? "How are you?" he finally said, his grip still tight on Alec's hand, searching his face for some sign, some crack in the mask, that would tell him Alec was suffering too.

"I'm... managing," Alec said, staring at Jace with just the barest hint of wistfulness. "You'll be fine, Jace, I promise. We'll both be fine." And he pulled his hand gently away from Jace's, a sad smile on his lips. He crossed his arms. "Anyway, I have something I think will cheer you up."

Jace highly doubted that, but he he attempted to school his expression into one of interest. "Yeah?"

"An assignment - I was thinking we'd all go, for old time's sake. You, me, and the girls."

Jace tried to picture it, the four of them, facing down danger. He and Alec, back to back, bow in Alec's hand, blade in Jace's... the absence of their connection, no subtle pushes and pulls in the bond to tell Jace when Alec was about to strike, no way of being sure Alec was uninjured without looking at him. Jace managed what he was sure was a thoroughly unconvincing smile, but Alec didn't comment, just smiled back and turned to walk away.

* * *

“Are you sure you’re feeling up to a mission?” Magnus asked, his hand soft against Alec’s cheek. They were in Magnus’ apartment, sitting together on the couch. Remnants of a prolonged and relaxed breakfast were sitting on the coffee table. Alec felt… he felt happy, being here with the man he loved, but he also hated himself just a little bit for his inability to be truly content. He’d have to get used to it, he reminded himself for the millionth time. This was his normal, now. It wasn’t fair to Magnus to keep harping on about it. 

“Yeah. Honestly I’m getting a little stir-crazy, and everybody is still treating me like I’m about to fall over at any minute. Even Izzy, and she’s the one who cleared me for normal activity.”

Magnus smiled at Alec’s slightly petulant tone, and leaned forward to kiss him, his lips soft but not overly careful, like he was trying to tell Alec that not everyone thought he was breakable. Alec smiled into the kiss and then pulled back, leaning his forehead down on Magnus’ shoulder.

“And Jace?” the warlock asked, his voice a bit hesitant. “How is he doing with all of this?”

Alec loved him for asking. Magnus had been so patient with him over the past few weeks, and Alec could tell he really did care about Jace as well. He was silent for a long time before he spoke again, sitting up to look his boyfriend in the eye. “Magnus, I feel like I owe you an apology.”

Magnus blinked at him, but didn’t say anything, waiting for Alec to work his way through what he wanted to say. It was one of Alec’s favorite things about him. He knew Alec struggled to express how he felt sometimes, and so he let him do it at his own pace.

“It’s just... I know I’ve been caught up lately with everything going on with Jace, and I feel like I’ve been taking you for granted.” 

“I don’t feel taken for granted,” Magnus responded simply. “You’re going through something traumatic. I understand that.”

Alec smiled a little sadly at him, and leaned forward to kiss him again, just a quick peck. “I’m glad, but I’m still sorry. This is all going to take some getting used to, but I don’t want you to think – ”

“Alexander,” Magnus interrupted, smiling at him. “I’m thinking no such thing. You forget that I’ve known other Parabatai over the years. I know what the bond means, and I know what losing it means as well. This situation is a little different, but I know it’s still enormously difficult for both of you. And I love you. I even love Jace, although I’d prefer if you not mention it to him. I have a reputation to maintain.”

Alec laughed, and the feel of it was startling. He couldn’t remember the last time he’d actually laughed out loud at something, and he felt such a swelling of love and gratitude for Magnus that he was momentarily at a loss for words.

“I’ll work through this,” he said, staring earnestly at Magnus. “Jace will too. We’ll make it work. We have to.” And Alec wanted to believe his own words so badly that for just a moment, he almost did.

* * *

Alec wasn't a typically cheerful person as it was, and on this particular day, Jace's gloomy attitude was making it difficult to maintain a positive demeanor. Still, he had to try. If this was ever going to work, they had to power through. Izzy and Clary were with them, which helped. There was something comforting in the familiarity of the four of them going out on assignment together, even if it was impossible to forget what was missing. 

So he kept up a steady stream of conversation with the girls, pointedly ignoring Jace’s gloomy silence. He’d had to convince Jace to come out on the mission, which was cause enough for concern – he should have been jumping at the chance to get out on the field. Jace seemed completely betrayed by Alec’s attempt to move forward, to keep living their lives. In some ways Alec could understand – he tried to put himself in Jace’s shoes. How would he feel if Jace were acting like he was, like their bond was an unfortunate casualty of an injury, but one that had to be pushed aside? How would he feel if Jace were acting like everything were okay? But it had to be. He had to believe that in time, they’d reach an equilibrium and be able to move forward. It only felt impossible because it was still so new.

In the end, it was an easy mission, a couple of pesky demons mucking things up in a poorer part of the city. They fought well, and all but one of the creatures had been slain within a minute of their arrival in the alleyway. That's when it had happened - Alec's bow had been pointing up in the direction of his last kill, when the final demon slithered its way out of the reach of Izzy's whip and came straight for his unguarded right side. Alec had his bow trained on it in an instant, and would have had enough time to get a shot off, but Jace was suddenly there in between them, his arm coming up to block the creature's pounce. Alec saw the teeth tear in to Jace's arm, but then glance off before piercing too deeply as Jace kicked back, sending the demon skidding to the ground, where Clary was able to dispatch it with a quick downward plunge of her blade.

There was silence for a moment, and then Jace flipped his stele between his fingers and held it to his iratze rune, as Izzy called out - "Jace, are you alright? Sorry, it got away - "

"Just a scratch," Jace called back, his tone nonchalant. And abruptly, seemingly without reason, Alec found that he was furious.

"What was that?" he barked, coming around to face Jace head-on. He smacked Jace's hand away from the rune, pulled out his own stele, and activated it for him, almost by instinct. He could tell Jace was barely hurt, but his blood was still pounding in his temples, a hot mixture of fear and rage. "I had it covered, why did you get in the way?"

Jace's mouth twitched downward but he kept his tone light. "It's fine, Alec, I had a good line of sight - "

"You jumped in front of me," Alec said, "for absolutely no good reason. I had it taken care of."

"I was just watching your back - " Jace said, a hint of irritation creeping into his own tone.

"No, you were being reckless, and clumsy. I had it covered, I saw that thing coming from a mile away, and I had plenty of time to - "

And as Alec watched, he saw Jace snap, abandoning the false nonchalance. "Well I didn't know that, did I?" he yelled, his tone utterly furious. "I didn't know you had it taken care of, I couldn't tell, Alec! I can't feel you anymore, I can't feel anything! When we're back to back, I can't tell what you're doing, I can't sense if you're alright, if you need me, I can't fucking feel you, and it's wrong!"

Alec was silent for a long moment, the only sound in the alley their harsh breathing. Out of the corner of his eye, he could see Clary and Izzy watching them with wide eyes, but he ignored them, staring straight into Jace's eyes.

"I know," he said to Jace simply. And then he continued, saying words he knew would hurt the man in front of him, saying them because he had to - "And you're going to have to get used to it."

He walked off, and it was only through the sounds of following footsteps that he knew the others were coming with him.

* * *

“Do you know where he is?” Clary asked Alec, coming up to him in his office with a determined look on her face. She didn’t look angry, exactly, just focused. Magnus, who had been sitting on the edge of Alec’s desk and talking to him about plans for the next Downworlder counsel, jumped up at Clary’s entrance.

“Clary, don’t you know it’s rude to barge in unannounced? You’re lucky Alexander and I were just talking in here.”

Clary rolled her eyes and looked not the least bit abashed, and Alec felt a flash of affection for her – when he’d first met this infuriating woman, her tendency to ignore other people’s boundaries had been aggravating to the extreme. Now, it was what made her a good Shadowhunter and the perfect match for Jace. And speaking of Jace –

“No, I don’t. He’s not speaking to me at the moment,” Alec said.

“Well he’s avoiding me, too.” Clary said. “He’s really hurting, Alec.”

“So am I,” Alec bit back, glaring, and then deflated at the wounded expression on Clary’s face. Magnus looked between the two of them, his own expression concerned. “Sorry. I just meant… there’s nothing I can do, Clary.”

“You could talk to him,” Clary insisted.

“That’s all I’ve been doing,” Alec said. “I’ve talked to him and talked to him, and he’s not hearing me. He’s not accepting this, and the longer he holds out…”

“Alexander,” Magnus interjected quietly. “Maybe we should tell her – ”

“Magnus,” Alec tried to cut him off, but the determined glint in Clary’s eye was enough to tell him that he was too late.

“Tell me what?” she said, striding further into the room and bracing her arms against the desk. She leaned forward, widening her eyes and staring straight at Alec. “Tell me what, Alec?”

“Those eyes don’t work on me, Fray,” Alec said. “They only work on people who are in love with you.”

“That’s not true,” Magnus said, conversationally. “They’ve worked on me plenty of times. Just look at her, she’s like Bambi.”

“Who?” Alec asked, and was rewarded with a flicker of a smile on Clary’s face. She always found it adorable when her Shadowhunter friends didn’t understand pop culture references, and Alec was happy to oblige her when she insisted on correcting these oversights.

“Adding classic Disney to the list,” Clary said, and then she narrowed her eyes, abandoning the pleading expression by transitioning straight into her don’t mess with me look. “But that’s for another time – tell me what’s going on. What was Magnus talking about?”

With a feeling of resignation, Alec told her, watching those eyes of hers grow wider and wider as she took it all in. "If he goes through with it, the fever could kill him," Alec said, willing her to understand. "Clary, there are no words for how much I wish I could have the bond back. I feel like I'm drowning, everything feels impossible - but I can't put Jace in such a dangerous situation."

To Alec's surprise, Clary's expression had turned thoughtful. She bit her lip, and looked at Alec for a long moment, clearly trying to decide something. Finally, she gave a tiny little nod and spoke, her voice mostly steady with just a hint of anxiety leaking through. "Alec, I love Jace with my whole heart, and the thought of him dying is unacceptable to me." She took a deep breath. " _But_ , this is his choice to make. I think you should tell him."

Alec felt his heart drop. " _What?_  Clary, there isn't going to be a choice for Jace - the second he hears about this he'll run out and find that greater demon himself. You've seen the way he's been acting!" It made Alec ache just thinking about it. If he'd ever had any reason to doubt how much he meant to Jace, the last few days would have put a stop to that. Jace was clearly devastated beyond what Alec could have imagined.

"Yes, exactly," Clary said. "He's miserable, Alec. He's completely falling apart. This is worth the risk to him, and he should be allowed to take that risk."

"I was on the brink of death for _days_ ," Alec said, his voice going high. "That acid came inches away from killing me, Clary. I can't watch Jace go through that, I can't risk him - Magnus, tell her - "

"I agree with Clary," Magnus said quietly.

Alec looked at his boyfriend, then looked at Clary, seeing twin looks of determination mixed with worry on their faces. This was unbearable. "How can I ask him to do this?" he said. "How can I put him through this?"

"You won't have to ask him," Magnus said, putting a hand on Alec's shoulder. "Both of you are... incomplete without the other. You know it as well as I do. Jace would risk anything to have you back."

"And if I lose him entirely?" Alec asked.

The room was quiet for several long seconds. "We won't let that happen," Clary finally said. And Magnus nodded, squeezing Alec’s shoulder. They both looked a hell of a lot more confident that Alec felt, but he couldn't lie to himself, either - he _was_ incomplete without Jace, and somehow Clary's blessing made everything seem just the tiniest bit less hopeless.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Anybody have a favorite quote/moment from this chapter?


	6. Chapter Six

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I changed the tags again, because people have been really upset with me. I really don't want to go in to the whole thing here; I've left all the comments up so people can read them if they want. Suffice it to say, I don't want to tag anything inappropriately, but I also feel like people's reactions have been... well... extreme, to say the least. Hopefully the story is now tagged in such a way that I won't be upsetting anybody with the content of the story and the relationships between the characters. If anybody inadvertently read or saw something they didn't want to read or see because of my tagging, I do apologize. But also please stop yelling at me, maybe?
> 
> This chapter, incidentally, is the reason why I wanted to keep the Jace/Alec tag, because I didn't want anybody to feel blindsided or upset by this brief moment, especially if they have a serious problem with the pairing. It's brief, but it is there. So be warned.

Alec found Jace on the roof. He was facing out, and Alec was reminded painfully of another time he'd been up here with Jace, when he'd asked his Parabatai if he was okay, when he'd seen the tears streaming down Jace's face and had pulled him into a hug without question. This time was different - even without the bond, Alec knew Jace wasn't okay, knew he was crying, and wasn't sure if his embrace would be welcomed or rebuffed. Still, he had to try.

"Jace, we need to talk about this."

Jace didn't move, but as Alec walked up next to him, looking out over the city, he could see Jace's shoulders vibrating with suppressed sobs, even in the dim light.

"I'm..." Alec began, feeling his own eyes prick with tears. He kind of just wanted to collapse, wanted to scream, wanted to beg Jace to draw a new rune on him right this second, damn the consequences. "I'm sorry you're upset, I know it's hard - "

"How?" Jace asked, his voice warped and shaky. "How can you stand this? How are you keeping it together? I can't live like this, Alec."

This was too much, too hard. How could Clary and Magnus expect him to do this? How could he tell him? "Jace, I'm sorry, I can't risk you, it's too much - " Alec cut himself off, horrified by what he'd almost said, but Jace caught it anyway, spinning to look at him for the first time. He looked _wrecked_ , his eyes bloodshot, his skin clammy.

"What? Why are you so sure it would kill us? What are you so afraid of? Alec, please. I know you’re hiding something from me, just… _please_." Jace stepped forward, gripping Alec's shoulders, pressing in with his fingers so hard Alec was sure he would leave bruises. "I can't keep doing this. I need you. I don't care if it's pathetic, I don't care if you don't feel the same - _please_."

"Stop!" Alec said, tearing himself back out of Jace's grasp. Seeing Jace like this was disturbing beyond compare. Jace didn’t break down. Jace didn’t beg. It was wrong, and Alec found abruptly that he wasn't strong enough to face it. "Of course I feel the same, alright? Of course I need you too. _Of course this is killing me_! But you still have the rune, Jace. You still have it, and if it's removed by any conventional method, you won't be able to get another. You're still carrying half of the Parabatai bond around with you. _I'm_ the one who has _nothing_!"

Jace blinked at him, startled enough at Alec’s outburst that he had actually stopped crying. His eyebrows rose up. "Conventional method?"

Alec sucked in a shuddering breath, and knew he had just lost. Jace wouldn't let this go, and Alec loved him too much to deny him the truth. "The acid that burned off my rune... it was specifically designed to sever us from each other, but I could, in theory, get another Parabatai rune drawn on me, and it would take. Again, it's never been tried, but there's nothing to suggest that it wouldn't work. But the rune you have now - I can't link up to it. I can't connect to that one again, because it still carries the remnants of our old bond."

“How can you be sure?” Jace asked, his voice still determined and a little desperate.

“Magnus looked into it, he was able to find out more about the greater demon and the acid. He also had connections to someone who knew of Parabatai who'd gone through something similar.” Alec looked at Jace, and saw his mind whirring, trying to catch up to Alec, trying to fit it all together.

"So..." Jace turned slowly and sat down against the brick of the wall surrounding the roof, his expression focused. "So then I get my rune removed, and we both get new ones. Wouldn’t that fix it?"

Alec shook his head. "If we got the Silent Brothers to remove it, you couldn't get a new one, it wouldn't work - "

"Okay, fine, so then we go out and find that greater demon, make him give up some of his acid, and we burn it off of me."

Alec felt like screaming at the completely casual way Jace was planning his own mutilation. He slid, boneless, to a seated position next to Jace. "It nearly killed me, Jace. It's dumb luck plus Magnus’ magic that saved me. He’s the only reason I'm not dead right now. We shouldn't risk it again."

Alec turned to look at Jace in time to see the baffled expression on his face. "Is that what this has all been about?" When Alec didn't respond, Jace continued, his voice pitched high in disbelief. "God, Alec - you completely broke my heart, and this was all it was? You don't want me to risk the acid?"

There was this ancient remnant of Alec still buried within him that felt his stomach lurch at the words "you broke my heart," but he shoved that aside. He knew Jace loved him, and he'd long since stopped wishing for anything other than a bond of deepest brotherhood with his Parabatai. It was just sometimes hard to wrap his head around Jace's devotion, even after everything that had happened recently to prove it.

"You could die," Alec repeated again, trying to sound authoritative.

Jace turned to him then and pulled him up so they were both on their knees, wrapping Alec into a hug. He looked utterly relieved, although his face was still more pale than usual. "I thought you didn't want me," Jace said, his face buried in Alec's neck, and Alec's arms flexed involuntarily, pulling Jace as close as he could.

"I'm sorry." Had he really made Jace think that? It couldn't be farther from the truth.

"We're going to get the bond back, Alec. I'm getting that acid, and I'm doing it with or without your blessing."

"I can't lose you," Alec said, and he hated himself for the hope blooming in his chest. He was a monster - how could he be willing to risk Jace's life just for the chance at feeling their souls touch again?

"When I thought you were dead," Jace said quietly, still speaking directly into Alec's shoulder, "I couldn't understand why I wasn't dead too. It was like there had been some kind of a mistake. I never believed I'd survive your death. I've never wanted to outlive you."

"This is why I didn't want to tell you," Alec said, still refusing to break the hug. "I knew the only way you'd listen to me was if you thought I didn't want to risk my _own_ life. I knew you'd have to respect that, or at least that you'd try."

"Does it make me a horrible person that I wanted to risk you anyway?" Jace asked, voice gravelly. “I wanted us to try, damn the risks. I still do.”

"Well, if it makes you horrible, then I'm just as horrible as you are. I want you back. I can't keep doing this either," Alec admitted. It felt like failure, but also like he could take a full breath for the first time since the bond had first broken. "And we'll do everything we can - Magnus will help, you'll make it through..."

"And if I don't," Jace said, finally pulling away from Alec, just enough to look him in the eye. " _You_ will make it. You're stronger than me, you always have been."

Alec stiffened under Jace's hands. "What are you talking about?"

"If the acid kills me, Alec. You'll keep going, you'll find a way to live with it." Jace was looking at Alec pointedly, his eyebrows slightly raised as if he was waiting for Alec to understand a hidden message in his words.

“That’s… how can you say that to me?” Alec didn’t want to think about Jace dying, and even more than that he didn’t want to think about the implication of Jace’s words, that somehow Alec could survive their separation but Jace could not, that Jace thought he loved Alec more than Alec loved him. They were still both kneeling on the stone roof, their faces inches apart, but neither of them made a move to get up.

“You have Magnus. You’ll survive,” Jace said. One of his hands came up to cup around the back of Alec’s neck, and Alec froze. What the hell was Jace doing?

“Yeah, I have Magnus,” Alec echoed, a bit uncertain. “And you have Clary.”

“Right,” Jace said softly. He glanced down, his eyes focusing for a moment on Alec’s lips. He was really quite close… Alec blinked once as Jace’s eyes came back to lock with his, and then Jace was leaning in, closing the distance between them even further. Alec lurched backwards and fell to the ground just before Jace’s lips could touch his, feeling the part of him that was still a kid and stupidly in love with this man crumble entirely in the face of reality.

“What the hell!” he gasped, standing up as Jace hastily got to his feet as well. “What’s gotten in to you?”

The expression on Jace’s face was impossible to dissect. He looked wistful, affectionate, and a bit… relieved? “Sorry, Alec. I just… I had to be sure.”

“You – what?”

“Okay, don't get mad at me, but... I just had to be sure you didn’t still feel…”

“ _Why_ would you think that I _did_?” Alec said. He wasn’t trying to be harsh, he was just trying to cope with the emotional whiplash of Jace Herondale desperately begging for him, and then trying to _kiss_ him. It was like he'd been transported to some upside-down universe, some ill-conceived fantasy he would have wished for years ago.

“You didn’t want the bond back!” Jace said. He still sounded mostly relieved, but maybe a little defensive as well. “And I couldn’t understand why!”

Alec replayed their earlier conversation in his mind, Jace’s desperation, his words – _I don’t care if you don’t feel the same_ , and – _I thought you didn’t want me_.

“So you thought…” Alec said, still puzzling his way to the end of the idea, still feeling totally off-balance. “When you said you thought I didn’t want you, what you meant was that you thought maybe I _did_ want you, just…”

“Not as your Parabatai,” Jace finished for him. He looked apologetic, but not embarrassed. He was staring at Alec as if trying to read his mind, and Alec felt torn between crying and bursting into laughter.

“God, Jace, you really _do_ think you’re irresistible, don’t you?”

Jace let out a surprised little laugh and took a step forward, gripping Alec’s shoulders and staring slightly up at him. “Yeah, my damn ego, that’s probably what it was,” he agreed easily, and then pulled Alec forward into another quick hug, his fingers pressing hard into Alec's shoulders. “But we’re doing this, right?” he said as he stepped back and broke their contact, a hint of anxiety still lingering in his tone. “We’re going to try?”

Despite the fact that Alec had found Jace up on the roof in tears, despite all of his devastating pleading and heartbroken stares over the past couple of days, Alec was only just coming to realize what Jace had been going through. When they had first met, Jace had been an angry, lonely child who thought his love was poison. When he’d asked Alec to be his Parabatai, he’d been afraid of Alec’s rejection, and Alec had nearly disappointed him because of his own conflicted feelings. And now, all these years later, Alec had turned away from him again, seemingly willing to take the unexpected opportunity to sever their connection. What would Jace have done if Alec had allowed the kiss to happen? Was his friend truly so desperate for Alec’s love that he could put aside his true feelings and pretend, for Alec’s sake? The thought made him feel a bit sick to his stomach – even back in the day when he’d still felt that way for Jace, he never would have wanted Jace to do anything he didn’t truly desire.

“Yeah,” he said, trying to look reassuring for Jace’s sake. “Yeah, we’re going to try.” Jace’s smile lit up his entire face, and Alec tried to quell the nerves fluttering in his stomach. He wanted the bond back more than anything, but if Jace died in the attempt… he didn’t know how he’d ever recover.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is a little shorter than the others; I just felt like this scene needed to stand by itself. Please let me know what you think!


	7. Chapter Seven

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm thinking there's going to be two more chapters after this one, so nine in total. Got any favorite lines/moments in this chapter? :)
> 
> Thanks for reading!

It was almost too easy to find the greater demon and get what they needed, which Jace knew was making Alec even more nervous.

"It's like it wanted us to find it," Alec said, looking at the reinforced vial of acid on the counter in the infirmary, bubbling menacingly. "Did you see the way it looked at Magnus? Like it was... smiling? And then it just hands over its acid? Without even asking questions?"

"It makes sense, though," Jace said, trying to keep his voice even. He was eager, in a sick sort of way, to get this whole thing going - but even his desperation to get the bond back wasn't enough to completely quell his fear over what he was about to do. "The greater demon feeds off of suffering, so... we're basically giving it a free snack."

"Very comforting," Alec snapped.

"Hey. It didn't kill you, it's not going to kill me," Jace said. His attempt at comfort was less than successful, but he couldn't blame Alec for being jittery. After their conversation on the roof, so many things had made sense to Jace. He tried to put himself in Alec's shoes - what if it were Alec that had to do something incredibly, stupidly, dangerous for the chance to get the bond back? Would Jace be willing to sit back and let Alec do it? He was relieved, all things considered, that he was the one who had to take the risk.

"Right," Alec said, and he swallowed hard. "It won't kill you. It can't. Jace, you've got to swear to me right now you're not going to die - I can't - "

"Hey, look at me," Jace said, widening his eyes and placing his hand lightly on the side of Alec's face, tilting the taller man's head down so they would be looking directly at each other. "Your boyfriend is the most powerful, bad-ass warlock in the world. And he loves you more than anything. He won't let anything happen to your Parabatai. Understand?"

Alec smiled. The look of anxiety hadn't entirely left his eyes, but Jace wouldn't have expected it to - he'd take what he could get at this point. He glanced over at Magnus over on the opposite side of the room, and saw the warlock looking at him. He gave Jace a nod. It was time.

* * *

"Jace, before we do this," Alec said, grabbing Jace's arm and tugging him back as he started to cross the room. He could see Izzy and Magnus talking in hushed tones over the vial of acid, making last minute plans and discussing contingencies. Alec could feel the quake in his voice and swallowed convulsively, trying to calm his nerves.

"Nothing you say is going to change my mind," Jace warned him, his voice gentle but just a bit exasperated.

"I know that," Alec said. "It's just... we can't be everything to each other." He knew as soon as he said the words that they weren't quite right - Jace quirked an eyebrow at him in confusion. Alec tried again - it was hard to think straight when he was so terrified of what Jace was about to do. "What I mean is - I love you, okay? I love you and I want you to be happy - and I want the bond back, and I'm willing to take risks to make that happen. But it's not you and me against the world anymore, alright?"

For a moment, Alec worried that Jace was going to crack a joke, try to lighten the mood, but after a beat, he nodded, looking serious. "I love you too, Alec," he said. "And you're right - we're not alone, even in this."

Alec let out a breath, feeling himself relax - he could tell from the expression on Jace's face that he understood what Alec was getting at. They would always be there for each other, but Jace had been right when he'd told Alec he'd survive it if Jace died. It would damage him - permanently, deeply - but he'd live. He'd live for Izzy, and Magnus, for his duty as a Shadowhunter. And it was the same for Jace. It would have to be. They both knew that no matter what happened, their souls would reunite in the afterlife. What Jace was about to put himself through was something they had both decided was an acceptable risk - they weren't taking the risk _despite_ their loved ones, but _because_ of them - Magnus' magic and Izzy's medical knowledge would keep Jace alive, and Clary's unflinching loyalty and understanding had been part of the reason Alec had agreed to the plan in the first place. They had each other, and they always would - but they also had the love and support of a whole network of other people who cared about them.

"Let's do this, then," Alec said, gripping a hand hard on Jace's shoulder. He could feel his heartbeat in his throat. Network of loved ones or not, losing Jace was not something he could contemplate without panicking.

Jace took off his shirt and lay down on the bed, just as Clary came into the room. She looked exceptionally pale, Alec saw, but had a small, supportive smile on her face as she approached Jace and took one of his hands. He wondered for a moment if Jace had told her about trying to kiss him.

Alec, for his part, had told Magnus, and had been relieved by his partner's reaction. Magnus _had_ been alarmed, not at the possibility of Jace and Alec indulging in some sort of romantic relationship behind his back, which he knew to be ridiculous, but in the intensity of Jace's desperation. The fact that Jace - painfully heterosexual Jace, the same Jace who was so clearly in love with Clary Fairchild - had behaved in such a way was all the more reason, so Magnus said, for them to fight for their Parabatai bond. Clearly, Jace needed Alec, and would do anything to keep him in his life. _I can sympathize with the sentiment, Alexander_ , Magnus had said, and Alec had tried - and failed - not to blush.

Izzy uncorked the acid from the demon, approaching the bed with a look of consternation on her face, and Alec snapped back to the present, his anxiety spiking again as the acid made a sinister hissing sound in the vial.

"Okay, Jace, this is going to hurt - "

"Yeah, Alec made that pretty clear," Jace said, his voice a little thin. Alec looked down at the spot on Jace's torso where their rune had once been. It was faint, a scarred remnant. The sight affected him more than he had expected. The bond was the important thing, and they still planned on getting that back. But that rune... he could remember so clearly the way his hands had shaken as he activated his _stele_ all those years ago, the way Jace had smiled at him and Alec had let his nerves drain away before drawing the rune onto the person who was to be his other half from that point forward. That mark was _his_. It was what made a part of Jace belong to him, and the other way around.

Alec didn't want to look, but he made himself make eye contact with Jace as Izzy tipped the vial onto his skin. Magnus already had a magical aura up, hoping to help with the pain, but Jace couldn't hide it - he groaned, then hissed a breath through his clenched teeth, the sound so anguished that Alec flinched, remembering the sudden splash of pain from when he'd been attacked mere weeks ago, and then the sudden, horrified realization that his Parabatai rune was dissolving, melting off of him even as his skin began to blister... he remembered Izzy's cries of panic, the way his whole body had frozen in pain, the demon's eerie laughter, and then Magnus had been there, eyes flashing gold, and Alec, through all of his pain, had only been able to manage Jace's name... trying to tell them, trying to explain what was happening to his soul - it was being ripped away - no... _no_...

"Alec," Izzy said, coming up to stand next to him. Jace was huffing out rapid breaths on the bed in front of him, his eyes squeezed shut and his knuckles white where he was gripping Clary's hand. "We've got him, it'll be okay."

"This is insane," Alec said, keeping his eyes on Jace. "This is crazy, Izzy, what if - "

"We've _got_ him," Izzy repeated firmly. "You know you would do this in a heartbeat, if your positions were reversed."

"I swore to protect him," Alec said, flinching again as Jace let out a little whimper. The acid had made quick work of the rune, and was seeping now deeper into Jace's bloodstream, ready to wrack his body with fever and pain.

"And he swore to protect you right back," Izzy reminded him, and Alec tried his hardest to un-clench his jaw.

It was actually better, less dangerous, with Jace than it had been for Alec, or so Izzy kept telling him. First, Jace sat around for half a day, feeling a little nauseated but mostly okay, just like had happened with Alec. He knew it was stupid to hope, but Alec could almost make himself believe that Jace was going to be spared, that his pure angel blood would save him from the worst of it. They had all sat around for the better part of the day, trying to distract Jace with inane chatter, Clary still holding his hand, Magnus close by ready to step in to help at a moment's notice. And then Jace had gone pale, his breathing had caught in his throat, his eyes had rolled back his head, and for one horrifying moment Alec could swear he felt Jace's heart slow down and then skip a beat, as if the strength of memory and longing was suddenly enough to connect them, cruelly, at the last moment - so Alec could feel Jace slip away -

Magnus and Izzy were ready, and before Alec could completely dissolve into panic, Jace had been stabilized. But from that point on he was unconscious, his skin pallid and his eyes moving rapidly underneath his eyelids, trapped in a nightmare of pain and fear.

The fever still lasted nearly two days, even with the demon's blood on hand for the cure. Izzy speculated that maybe the power of the blood was diluted since it had been so many weeks since it was first collected. Since Magnus knew what was coming he was able to prepare his magic and recruit help from other warlocks, and Izzy knew the warning signs of heart failure and was able to stop it from coming to that. Still, Alec had rarely felt more terrified in his entire life. If Jace died, Alec would never forgive himself for letting him go through with this. And it didn’t help that he had to watch Magnus suffer as well. The warlock was pale and shaky by the end of the first day, and while he had a whole line of Shadowhunters to help and lend him strength, there was no way to avoid the physical strain entirely.

Lending his strength to Magnus was a powerfully intimate experience, but it was also exhausting, and Alec had no room left in his mind for anything other than fear. He refused to leave the room when it was his turn to rest and let somebody else aid Magnus.

He finally understood just how scared Jace must have been when Alec had gone through the same thing - not being able to feel Jace meant that if Alec left the room for just a moment, all he could think about was that if Jace died while he was gone, he wouldn't even know about it. How the hell had he thought he could live like this for the rest of his life? Just because the connection was gone didn't mean that Jace was any less his Parabatai - and how could he be expected to go about life with a blind eye, just hoping the other half of his soul didn't get himself into trouble? He needed the bond, needed to know that Jace was alive and safe. Without it, the best he could do was stay close by, heart in his throat every time he drifted off into fitful slumber, sure that when he woke up, he'd find the worst had happened when he wasn't even paying attention.

Clary, for her part, was clearly scared out of her mind, but Alec noticed that she was keeping it together remarkably well. The two of them watched as Izzy took up her place beside Magnus to lend him strength. Theoretically, if things followed the same pattern with Jace as they had with Alec, the spell should take effect soon, and this nightmare would hopefully be over. Alec spoke to Clary, keeping his eyes firmly forward, trying not to see the pale, still body of Jace on the bed, or the shine of exhaustion in Magnus' eyes. He needed a distraction, if such a thing were even possible given the circumstances. "Thank you, Clary," he said softly. "For being here - I don't know what we would do without you."

Alec caught Clary's smile out of the corner of his eye. "Do you ever think back to when we first met, and wonder how we got here?" she asked.

"Yeah, you were a nightmare," Alec said fondly.

" _You_  were a stubborn hater," Clary replied, genuine affection in her voice as well.

"And Jace was being a dick," Alec continued.

Clary paused for a long moment. "Yeah, no argument there. Later, after everything that happened with the Cup, and my mom... I stopped to think about how it all must have seemed from your perspective, and I... well, I can't regret doing everything in my power to find my mother, but I see now that I wasn't thinking about how my actions affected anybody else."

"And I never bothered to cut you any slack, even though you had no idea what was going on. I could have tried to explain it to you without biting your head off."

"You were worried about Jace."

"I was  _jealous_ about Jace. You have no idea. You made my blood boil," Alec said. "And it wasn't even about wanting Jace for myself. It was just that nobody had ever challenged the idea that he was always going to be on my side, no matter what. Suddenly you were there and it was like he was picking you over me, without a second thought."

"That's not how he looked at it," Clary said. "You should have heard the way he talked about you. Even when things were bad - I doubted you, but Jace never did. Not once. He..." Clary paused, and then brought her head down, a look of doubt flitting across her features. Alec caught it and turned towards her, curiosity piqued. "It's hard to articulate what I'm trying to say," Clary said, huffing out an awkward laugh. "It's just... I want to always take Jace's side, I don't want to admit that he behaved badly... but looking back I can see now that he didn't always treat you the right way. He took advantage of you. He took you for granted."

Alec shrugged. Clary was right, there was no point in denying that, but in some ways the same was true in reverse. His reaction to Clary had been born out of jealousy, like he'd said - he'd never questioned that Jace would choose him over everybody else, to such an extent that he never saw how Jace opening up his heart to somebody new could be a _good_ thing. He's hoarded Jace's affection and love, resentful that somebody else might be able to help him come out of his shell where he himself had failed to do so.

"Is there a reason the two of you are discussing ancient history?" Izzy asked, coming forward towards them, smiling despite the dark circles under her eyes. "Clary, you're up - I think we're close, the spell's almost complete."

Alec looked up at Magnus, who gave him a tired, fond smile. "Your sister's right, Alec. We've nearly got him back. He's going to make it."

Alec smiled at Clary and took her hand, squeezing it briefly and then releasing her to take her place beside Magnus. 'Ancient history' though it may be, sometimes these things needed to be said out loud.


	8. Chapter Eight

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I refuse to apologize for the unnecessary angst in this chapter... at least I end it on a happy note! Thanks for reading!

Jace awoke to Alec and Clary both leaning over him, Clary smiling in relief and Alec looking pale and terrified. Just behind them, Izzy was helping an exhausted Magnus into a chair. Jace blinked several times, feeling his brain trying to unscramble and catch up to the present moment. He couldn't remember much - just a lot of pain, whispered voices, Clary's hand held tight in his, Alec's eyes, clouded over with anxiety...

"You okay, Magnus?" he asked, startled by the croak in his voice.

"Kind of you to ask," Magnus answered. "At the very least I'm currently doing a lot better than _you_ , Mr. Herondale."

"Always a competition with that guy," Jace said, smiling up at Clary, who giggled and leaned forward to kiss his forehead.

"Let's get you some water," she said, and rushed off, leaving Jace looking up at Alec, who looked a little shell-shocked to see him actually conscious.

"I'm alright," Jace said, trying to sit up. He wanted to get that look off of Alec's face, but he wasn't sure how. Alec saw him attempting to sit up and leaned forward to help, pulling Jace up and crushing him into a hug.

"We're never doing that again," Alec said, his voice low and pained. Jace's arms felt like lead, but he did his best to tighten them around Alec.

"Sounds like a deal. How long?"

"Too long," Alec said.

"Just two days," Izzy said from his other side. Jace managed to extract enough of his arm from Alec's grasp to hold a hand up to Izzy, who took it and squeezed. "Alec's been a basket case."

"You can't blame him, I am pretty irreplaceable," Jace said, but the joke didn't loosen any tension in Alec. If anything Jace could feel the trembling increase. "Hey, I'm okay, Alec, I swear," he said, dropping the joking tone.

Alec's breathing was shallow against his neck, and Jace knew he was crying. "I'm really sorry," Alec said finally, face buried in Jace's shoulder.

"Why the hell are you sorry?" Jace asked, attempting to pull back so he could look Alec in the eye. Alec wouldn't let him, refusing to break the hug.

"I just... the way I was acting... pulling away from you, shutting you out... acting like I didn't _want_ you back..."

"Hey," Jace said, feeling a lump in his throat. "It's okay. You were trying to protect me."

"But what I put you through - "

"It's over. It's over." But he let Alec keep holding him, relishing in the comfort and closeness. Every bone in his body was tired, and that persistent empty ache of the missing bond was still impossible to ignore. But this was progress - he was one step closer to having Alec back with him the way he was always meant to be, and the thought of that was enough to make the rest of it bearable.

At some point, Clary returned and Jace gently extricated himself from Alec to take a drink of water, and pull his girlfriend into a hug. Alec went to Magnus' side, and after the warlock gave everybody a tired goodbye, he allowed Alec to take him home and put him to bed. Jace wanted to talk to the Clave immediately, to make arrangements so that he and Alec could undergo the Parabatai ceremony, but Izzy told him in no uncertain terms that he needed to get his strength back first.

"But they'll let us, right?" Jace asked Izzy. "There's no reason they would deny us or try to delay it or anything?"

Izzy shook her head. "I can't see why they would. I've kept them informed of everything that's been going on. They weren't... thrilled about our plan to permanently maim you," she said, frowning slightly at the gauze covering Jace's scarred skin, where the rune used to be. "But I think the Clave knows you well enough to realize you were going to do this with or without their permission."

"Personally, I find the whole rebel vibe very attractive," Clary assured him when Jace stuck his tongue out at Izzy.

"As long as they don't try and get in the way of this," Jace said. He tried to make himself sound fierce, but he was still so weak and exhausted that the effect was less than impressive. Clary and Izzy both smiled at him like he was a mildly amusing toddler, and before he knew it he was being encouraged to get some more sleep, despite the fact that he'd done nothing _but_ sleep for the last forty-eight hours.

Hours later, when he woke, Alec was back with him, sitting in the chair by the bed, holding Jace's hand.

* * *

Their second Parabatai bonding ceremony was nothing like the first. It didn’t carry with it the same joy and giddy anticipation Jace remembered feeling the first time they had done this. Now, the entire proceedings were tinged with fear. A few of the Silent Brothers, the inquisitor, Maryse, Robert, Magnus, Izzy, and Clary were all in attendance, but it wasn’t an honor or a celebration. Jace knew that they were all there in case something went horribly wrong, in case the bond didn’t take for some unforeseen reason. Izzy had told them that the plan was to interrupt the process at the first sign of trouble, but Jace and Alec had both fought against this. Even if it was dangerous, they both knew they needed to see it through.

There had been _some_ resistance from the Clave and the Silent Brothers. While everyone agreed that Jace and Alec hadn't done anything wrong and that keeping them from each other would be cruel, the Shadowhunters in general were not big on change and innovation. The Parabatai bond was one of the oldest, most sacred parts of their society, and allowing people to get a second rune wasn't a part of the original plans. Luckily for everyone, really, Izzy had taken charge of the negotiations, leaving the irate Jace and Alec out of the conversation until finally the powers that be had caved. Once Jace was deemed healthy enough to undergo the ritual, it was scheduled.

“Hey, you’re not late this time,” Jace said as Alec rounded the corner towards him. Alec rolled his eyes and smiled slightly, but Jace could tell that he wasn’t in the mood for being teased. “You ready?” he asked.

Alec nodded, then stepped a little closer to Jace. They were just outside the ceremonial chamber. Everybody else was waiting on just the other side of the door. “Jace,” he said. “I… I wanted to say thank you.”

“For what?” Jace asked, narrowing his eyes at Alec. He couldn’t wait to get this ceremony over with, so he’d stop having to guess Alec’s mood at every turn.

“You could have died, using that acid, and you know you didn’t have to – ”

“Alec, stop,” Jace said, bracing his hands on Alec’s shoulder and tilting Alec’s head downward so their foreheads pressed together. “Yes, I did. I did have to. I can’t live without you. Anyway, I’m the one who should be thanking you. I know you were trying to move on from the bond, and I’m the one – ”

Alec just tugged him forward into a tight hug, and Jace felt their heartbeats between them. “This isn’t some favor I’m doing for you, Jace. I can’t live without you either,” Alec said, and Jace let himself believe the words, sinking into the hug for just one more moment, before pulling away and turning to enter the chamber.

The words of the oath were ingrained within them both. Years ago, they had practiced them, memorized them to the point that they might have lost all meaning. But it was impossible not to feel them as they were spoken, to understand the significance, the weight, of each promise. Alec drew Jace's new rune on him, above where their old one had been, just below the rib cage, and Jace felt every hair on his body stand on end. This was it - they were going to belong to each other again. Jace traced the rune onto Alec, feeling for the second time the pure, untainted honor of such a gesture, of being allowed to mark someone, to share with them something so intimate it was impossible to describe with words.

As they spoke to one another, arms clasped, a circle of blue light around them, Jace could see nobody but Alec. Even as he vowed to stand by Alec's side, Jace made his own private vow that he would never take this for granted again - he would honor his Parabatai as he always should have. As the ceremony continued, Jace thought he could begin to feel a phantom heartbeat echoing beside his own, and the joy of it was enough to leave him breathless. It was working - it was really happening.

Jace could feel it, could feel Alec, the sensation filling him up, blurring his vision until it was all there was in the world, something inside of him stitching together, fixing the endless loneliness, the utter wrongness of being solitary in his own soul. He could feel Alec’s joy and relief, mingling with his own, and he wanted to laugh, wanted to shout, but kept himself still, feeling the new rune burn with radiant, angelic force as the ritual began to wind down.

And then he felt Alec’s arm go slack, his hand slipping off of Jace's arm, and his Parabatai began to fall.

“No.” The word tore its way out of Jace’s mouth involuntarily, and he felt his own knees buckle as he followed Alec to the ground, grabbing at him frantically to stop him from hitting the hard floor. “Alec, please – ” Jace felt tears filling his eyes as he stared at Alec's slack face, waiting for his Parabatai to open his eyes. He'd made his peace with the fact that this would be dangerous, but somehow he still hadn't contemplated what he would do if he survived and Alec didn't -

Other people were rushing forward towards them, but Jace blocked them out, reaching inward, trying to find that thread of light, of completeness within him - he'd pull Alec out with him, or he'd die trying - he wasn't leaving his Parabatai behind, not this time. "Alec," he whispered brokenly. He'd ended up practically on top of Alec on the ground, one arm beneath him, lifting him up just slightly from the ground. "Don't do this to me, I swear by the angel - "

"Jace, what's happening?" somebody said behind him.

"Is Alec... is he breathing?"

Somebody touched Jace's arm. Clary? Izzy? It didn't matter - Jace threw an arm outwards to ward off anybody who might come too close.

"I'm not leaving him," he snarled. He was finding it hard to breathe, tears were blurring his vision, but he also felt outside of himself, like he was watching all of this happen from very far away. " _Open your eyes_ , Alec Lightwood, or I'm going to kick your ass, do you hear me?" Inside of him, he could feel the bond, glowing vibrant, just waiting for the final strands to entwine, to make them complete. Jace didn't know how he was doing it, but he could feel the way to Alec through the bond, feel a soul as familiar to him as his own, struggling to find its way into the light. Jace grabbed on and tugged. He knew, and again he didn't know _how_ he knew, that he was binding their fates together. If he pulled Alec out of the darkness, they'd be okay, but if he failed, Jace would follow Alec into oblivion. And he didn't care.

_Jace?_

Alec.

_What are you doing?_

Saving your life, apparently.

_What happened?_

I guess the Angel didn't like the idea of us getting new runes.

_Are we dead?_

Not yet.

 _Are we dying_?

I'm not sure. But whatever we're doing, we're going together.

_I don't want to die._

Well, good, me neither.

_Can we get out of here?  
_

I thought you'd never ask.

Jace pulled Alec with him, holding on to him like he was the last most precious thing on earth, the only thing tethering him to himself. He wondered if his angel blood was helping him with this, or if it was just sheer obstinacy that was letting it happen, but he could feel himself, and feel Alec, being pulled away from the brink and back into the light of day. The room around him had gone grey, had almost ceased to exist, but slowly things started to come back into focus. He could see a crowd of people pressing in around him, feel the hard cement under his knees, feel the brush of Alec's hair against his bare shoulder from where he was cradling him. 

Jace was back in his body, and he could feel Alec back in his as well. With a strangled, almost animal cry of relief, Jace tugged Alec up further into his arms as the other man came to consciousness, heard Alec mutter a quiet, tired, "oh, thank God," into Jace's shoulder as his own arms came up to enclose Jace, and for a long moment nothing else in the world existed but the two of them.


	9. Chapter Nine

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is the final chapter. Feel free to skip the longer note I have written at the end of the story if you don't care about the fandom drama of it all. Thanks for reading!

For a while, after the ceremony, a lot of people tried to talk to them, wanted to run tests, make sure that everything was alright, but Alec was having trouble paying attention to any of it. They had moved to Alec's office. He and Jace were sitting on the couch, and Jace had a protective arm around his shoulder. It felt nice, like a physical echo of the bond that was glowing brightly within them both. Magnus was hovering over them both, running little tests with his magic, trying to reassure himself that Alec was really alright, and Clary was crouched down beside the couch, her hand rubbing circles on Jace's arm.

"He's fine, I'm telling you," Jace said for the millionth time, and Alec could feel a spike of annoyance run through their bond. He closed his eyes, reveling in it, and pressed his head further into Jace's shoulder. Maryse was standing across the room, her arms folded, looking skeptical and concerned, and Izzy was hovering as well.

"Maybe if I just ran a test," Izzy suggested meekly. "We could take him to the infirmary, just make sure he's strong enough - "

_No tests, just sleep_ , Alec thought, and he felt Jace's hand tighten on his arm, and knew his Parabatai could sense it. "He's not hurt, he's just exhausted," Jace said. "Believe me, I would know, I can feel it." And even through the annoyance and protectiveness, Alec heard the sheer joy in the statement.  _I can feel it._

"Why did he collapse, though?" Clary asked. Alec cracked his eyes open to look at her.

"Because we messed with the natural order of things," Alec said, just the effort of speech making him feel even more tired. "Messed with the angel's plans. Something _you_ should know a lot about."

"Hey," Clary said. Her tone was indignant, but she was smiling. "You're really okay?"

"He's  _fine_ ," Jace said, just as Alec said. "I'm  _fine_."

"Well, they're already talking at the same time," Magnus said. "That's got to be a good sign for the bond, right? And a bad sign for our collective patience?"

"Well then why didn't  _you_  collapse?" Izzy asked, ignoring Magnus and staring at Jace.

"I did," Jace said. "I just didn't completely pass out, which is all the better for the both of us, since I was able to anchor us. Look, guys, we appreciate your concern, but we both just need time to catch our breaths..."

Alec closed his eyes again, curling in closer to Jace's side. He'd let him handle this. He didn't want to think about the fact that he'd almost died, and that Jace had refused to let him go alone. He didn't want to think about the fact that Jace could have let go to save himself, but he hadn't - that if Alec had died in that moment, Jace would have died right along with him. It hadn't happened. They were back, the way they were supposed to be - connected, bound to one another in life and in death. So they had some trauma to work through. He was perfectly content to wait until morning to get to it. For now, he could feel the press of his concerned loved ones around him, and the thought was more comforting than it was distressing. He had Jace next to him, and he could feel his Parabatai's soul, a comforting, constant heat within him that allowed him to relax into slumber against Jace's shoulder.

* * *

“I’m telling you, that was pure, unnecessary, showmanship,” Alec said, laughing as Jace shook his head in mock indignation. 

“It was not! I needed to jump over the thing to get to the other thing, and stab the thing! It’s not my fault if it looked really cool.”

“Really cool?” Alec said. “You looked like a gymnast trying to master the balance beam."

“Gymnasts are really cool!” Jace insisted. They were both giddy, the adrenaline from a recent demon encounter pumping through them and jumping between them through their bond like an energizing feedback loop. “And I killed it, didn’t I?”

“Yeah, yeah, you’re a legend, the great Jace Herondale, saving the day with his heroic back flips – "

“Oh, please like you never go for impressive when you’re in the middle of a fight. You think I don’t see right through the whole brooding-serious-archer routine, the pouty lips, the hair falling forward into your eyes - ”

“So you admit you were trying to look bad-ass?” Alec asked fondly, ignoring the “brooding” comment for now. If anybody was prone to pouty lips… _honestly_.

“Hey, I don’t need to try to look bad-ass, it’s just my natural state – ”

Izzy ran up to them, interrupting their banter. “Hey, you guys look happy – mission complete?”

“And then some,” Jace said, cocky, and Alec groaned.

“He’s being insufferable, Iz.”

“You should have seen us, we were unstoppable,” Jace said, reaching out to shove lightly on Alec’s arm, and Alec couldn’t stop himself from smiling. They had worked so well together, seamlessly moving as one, making quick work of the demons they had been sent to fight. It was almost enough to erase their last assignment from both of their minds, when everything had still been so off between them. There was an edge of elation to everything they did together these days – a heightened appreciation for the bond that never would have been possible if they hadn’t experienced their lives without it.

“So you guys are okay?” Izzy asked, falling into stride beside them as they made their way through the institute. “Feeling normal?”

Alec looked at Jace and saw him smiling back, eyes shining with affection and relief. “Yeah, Iz. We’re better than okay,” he said, and Jace’s smile widened impossibly.

“Better than normal,” Jace added, slinging a companionable arm over Alec’s shoulder as he spoke.

Alec felt a gentle pulse of happiness and connection through his new rune, felt the heat of it against his ribcage, and knew with a bone-deep certainty that they really had made it through.

* * *

Alec sat alone in his office, going over a stack of reports. He felt a slight headache forming at his temple but he tried to ignore it. Just one more to get through and then he could get out of there for the day.

“Alexander?” Magnus poked his head around the door. “Am I early?”

“No, I’m just running late, as always,” Alec said, looking up from his paperwork and giving Magnus a smile. “But you know, this can wait until tomorrow.” He got up, leaving the papers strewn about his desk for later.

“I was thinking,” Magnus said, a hand coming up in one of his typical theatrical gestures, “There’s this charming little café in Naples. I know the owner. Well, I should say I _knew_ the owner, that was eighty or so years ago, the odds are good he’s no longer with us, poor soul.”

Alec smiled fondly at him, coming over to kiss Magnus hello before his boyfriend could fall too far down the rabbit hole of reminiscence.

“Sounds perfect to me,” Alec said, taking Magnus’ hand.

He felt a type of contentment he wasn’t sure he’d ever known before. Sure, things weren’t perfect. Alec still got twitchy whenever he sent Jace out on an assignment without him, feeling every spike of adrenaline from every close call through their bond, unable to block out any of it for fear of missing a single call for aid. And Jace still stayed a little closer to Alec than was usual, trailing him around on his day-to-day tasks at the institute, relishing their closeness but also undeniably afraid of losing it. It would take them a while to get over the fear and trauma of what they had experienced. But Alec was finally sure that they would get over it, that they would heal and get to a place where they could both be safe and stop worrying so much.

Alec reached for Jace through the bond now, the urge hitting him, and found that his Parabatai was experiencing a deep sense of peace and joy. He couldn't be sure of the exact source, but he could picture Jace and Clary somewhere together, and the thought made him smile.

“Alexander? What are you thinking about?” Magnus asked, a gentle curiosity in his eyes. Alec turned his smile towards him.

“I’m thinking about… getting dinner with my partner in Naples,” he answered, and he let Magnus tug him out of the room, into a peace and joy of his very own.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And so we reach the end. This fic ended up being a lot longer than I had initially mapped out, and it ended up being a lot more emotional of an experience than I was hoping for. I almost deleted it without finishing it, but I had most of the story already written, and I knew some people were enjoying it so I decided to see it through.
> 
> I elected not to delete the messages I received from anonymous reviewers, because I wanted a full record of everything that happened, so hopefully people can see that my intentions were good. I don't blame anybody for not liking what I wrote, or for being angry and frustrated with problems in the show or the fandom. But I do want to say that as a brief visitor in this fandom, the way people talked to me really freaked me out and made me feel very confused and hurt. I have pretty severe social anxiety, and I don't mind sharing with you that I have been in tears a couple of times over the things people said to me. I've never been popular enough in any fandom to receive hate, so maybe it's just that I haven't developed a thick skin to it, but also it's maybe because I wasn't doing anything that I thought was controversial or particularly problematic, so I felt blindsided.
> 
> I don't want to stir any more drama up, but I did take a bit of a dive into the fandom on Tumblr to see what I could find out, and I've noticed that there seems to be a vocal minority of Malec shippers who not only hate Jace and Jalec, but are intent on posting directly into the Jalec tag to tell everybody how disgusting they are for shipping Jalec. Even as somebody who doesn't see Jace and Alec romantically, and who DOES ship Malec, I just wanted to say: that is SERIOUSLY uncool of those people. I'm sure the reverse also happens, but I couldn't find any examples of it on Tumblr. Fandom should be a safe space for all, and that only works if everybody is willing to tag their stuff appropriately and avoid unnecessary antagonism. (Incidentally, giving the anons who messaged me a HUGE benefit of the doubt, I think that was why they were mad at me, as they felt I didn't tag the story properly. That's perhaps a discussion for another day).
> 
> I had so many cool ideas for Shadowhunters stories that I wanted to write in the future, but for the time being I think I need to refrain. While the majority of people who commented were very welcoming, some people were very cruel, and unfortunately I'm not at a place in my life where I can handle that right now. I just wanted to write this to say thank you to everyone who took the time to read, and a special thank you to the anon who engaged in a really respectful and enlightening discussion with me about this fandom and the issues going on in it. It's a bummer I won't be able to continue to be active in this fandom, for personal reasons. I'm sorry for my own missteps in handling the situation, and for the offense I caused.


End file.
